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Oct 2018
tongue in teeth
eyes shut tight
clothes on in the shower
back from the brink
back from somewhere
a dead friend's childhood home

the lies i tell myself
just so i can get by
become less convincing
every time i tell them
i know all the signs
my tells are obvious
and i know
when my heart's not in it

i am only 25 years old
but already it feels like
my body has lost something
a sense of youthfulness or beauty
that i had when i was 17
and do not have now
that strange men would crave
why can't i feel that way again?
would i even want that again?

the people ive trusted
and who were worthy of that trust
who treated me well and cared for me
have been so few
and never have any of them
shared their hearts with me
the way i wanted to share mine

how can i believe in my own worth
and value as a person
when i believe i am an object
of ****** pleasure
who has no more pleasure to offer?
what value do i have then?
what am i then?
what worth is there to be found
in a doll that is no longer beautiful?

make me clean again, lord
make me whole
make me beautiful
this is why i don't believe in god
if he is real, the ****** abandoned me
like most men do
i have had only my friends and family
and the professional help i could pay for
to save my soul

your mother called me a deadbeat
a criminal and a lowlife
(did she feel the same way about you?)
she said i wasted my youth and my life
that i didn't love you
or i would have tried to save you
from the life you chose
like she tried to

but you never needed saving
from your death, but not your way of life
i was never cut out for it
but i was in it for the wrong reasons
i was trying to hurt myself
in order to feel anything i could
while you were trying to thrive
she'll never understand you
you didn't want salvation from her
you only wanted your mother back

she's a cursed woman
and i wish i understood this
before i let her words cut me so deep
she's drowning in an ocean of grief
and doesn't know how to do anything
but strike everyone else down with blame

i tried my best to change her mind
to turn her heart with my own
i hope you would understand, ginger
it seemed her heart had hardened
turned to stone and shut away
i could not change her at all

i still go to bed with your ghost
i wanted to give you rest
i wanted to protect you
i dont know where this leaves us my friend
some hearts can't be turned
but i will not betray mine
charley gwenn
Written by
charley gwenn  25/F
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