tongue in teeth eyes shut tight clothes on in the shower back from the brink back from somewhere a dead friend's childhood home
the lies i tell myself just so i can get by become less convincing every time i tell them i know all the signs my tells are obvious and i know when my heart's not in it
i am only 25 years old but already it feels like my body has lost something a sense of youthfulness or beauty that i had when i was 17 and do not have now that strange men would crave why can't i feel that way again? would i even want that again?
the people ive trusted and who were worthy of that trust who treated me well and cared for me have been so few and never have any of them shared their hearts with me the way i wanted to share mine
how can i believe in my own worth and value as a person when i believe i am an object of ****** pleasure who has no more pleasure to offer? what value do i have then? what am i then? what worth is there to be found in a doll that is no longer beautiful?
make me clean again, lord make me whole make me beautiful this is why i don't believe in god if he is real, the ****** abandoned me like most men do i have had only my friends and family and the professional help i could pay for to save my soul
your mother called me a deadbeat a criminal and a lowlife (did she feel the same way about you?) she said i wasted my youth and my life that i didn't love you or i would have tried to save you from the life you chose like she tried to
but you never needed saving from your death, but not your way of life i was never cut out for it but i was in it for the wrong reasons i was trying to hurt myself in order to feel anything i could while you were trying to thrive she'll never understand you you didn't want salvation from her you only wanted your mother back
she's a cursed woman and i wish i understood this before i let her words cut me so deep she's drowning in an ocean of grief and doesn't know how to do anything but strike everyone else down with blame
i tried my best to change her mind to turn her heart with my own i hope you would understand, ginger it seemed her heart had hardened turned to stone and shut away i could not change her at all
i still go to bed with your ghost i wanted to give you rest i wanted to protect you i dont know where this leaves us my friend some hearts can't be turned but i will not betray mine