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Oct 2018
It lingers in the empty spaces I used to share with him
A heartache unfixed by bandaids or poetry
Humble jokes and sunshine
The disgust in the voice of someone who longs not to be disgusted
A child’s laughter
It is a highway destined for nowhere when I drive it
Memory lane
Speed limit 12
Cause I was twelve when I met the guy
A monster nicknamed “R.W.” for runaway
Signing papers in print with a hesitation only found in the heart of anxiety
It is a tsunami
It is a cancer
It has been both and neither and everything at once to lose him
If it is a tsunami I am the ocean
Taking out my anger on his home and destroying his life on my own terms
If it is a cancer I am the cells dividing cells dividing cells
I am the cancerous gene
I am terminal
I did this to him
I did this to me
I did this to us
And it’s not like it really matters
That’s what I tell myself
When he laughs
And he talks
And he thinks he is right
It’s when I remember he isn’t that it catches me all over again
I remember he’s angry
I remember he thought it fine to call me every name in the book as long as he apologized
I remember he had no respect for the things I found offensive
For the things others found offensive
And I want to be away from him
It’s not worth it to be that close to someone all for them to betray you all over again
But if I’m a slow cancer then give me some chemo
Cause I’d give anything to have just the boy who laughed
He’s gone
If chemotherapy kills the cancer give me some of that
Dead and united with the boy who laughed
Leaving behind traces of a suit and tie
And a boy who yells so loud my ears can’t tell the difference between his scream and an aeroplane taking off
Is it worth it?
Written by
ollie  15/M
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