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Oct 2018
i want to speak my heart
and be understood without misconception
i want to carve out the truth
with the precision of a surgeon
an infinite decimal
i want to speak from a gentle nature
but with a shining sword of truth
and bravely

i want to give voice
to the love inside me
that is in truth raw and powerful and wild
but i do not want to frighten you away
i want only for you to hear the strength
the calm
the rage
the great and unimaginable pain
and the boundless affection
that echo in the chambers of my heart

when i choose to share my body with another
it happens in one of two ways
recklessly, and dangerously, and stupidly,
and probably with a man,
and probably when i feel very vulnerable
and probably i pretended i was drunk
and probably i regret it and probably
probably i never tell anybody about it

or, rarely, it happens with enthusiasm
and with a full readiness
absent from most experiences in my life
eagerness and heart
and i do not float through the galaxy
as my body lies back on earth
******* the pain away

i am not dreaming
i am here and i am awake

and i want nothing more
than to want you
and for you to want me
and to make you tremble
like the streets of southern california
when a fault line shifts
with a fierceness like the spirit of god
moving through church
i want to make you feel
and i want you to feel me with you

i have not been able
to share myself with another person
without fear of being exploited
in eight years
i hardly remember what it feels like
to be so dumb and wild and free

i was forced into living this life
jumped into it by a gang
of nurses and doctors and midwives
i was never given a choice
nor a weapon to defend myself
though i would face terror after terror
alone in the darkness
with nothing to light my way

i cannot trust men not to hurt me
i can't even trust women not to do the same
am i ever going to be able
to open my heart again?
first thing i've written in months that isn't about death
charley gwenn
Written by
charley gwenn  25/F
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