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Sep 2018
[trigger warning]









I dragged my nails up my thigh.
The             scarred half.
I didn’t do it very hard
But I know a normal person
would think              it hurts

And I guess I was hoping
that after 2 years
maybe my pain tolerance
would’ve faded                  a bit.
or reverted back to normal

But it didn’t hurt at all
I know I’d need a blade
And I wouldn’t do that
because a blade would mean
100 cuts on each thigh
                               hands  s h a k i n g
because even though my mind
doesn’t feel the pain
my body                     does.
and feeling so
scared
of
         myself.
because I don’t know how to stop
if I can
and  oh  G o d  what have I done

So I just used my nails
even though that’s really
                             foolish flirting.

And all I felt was      hollow
because even now
my mind blanks out
and needs physical pain
to deal with the emotional
but it doesn’t help
and I know this
but it’s just
oh
so
     tempting.

And yet


The guilt and shame
is
           unbearable

The pain feels  g o o d
but the side effects
feel     worse.

I know I can’t go back there
especially not
2 weeks from my new job
but I want to

even now
I  w a n t  to.

I’m weak.
I just hate how I’ve come so far but I still don’t know what else to do when I feel this bad
Lightheart
Written by
Lightheart  19/F/134340
(19/F/134340)   
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