I dragged my nails up my thigh. The scarred half. I didn’t do it very hard But I know a normal person would think it hurts
And I guess I was hoping that after 2 years maybe my pain tolerance would’ve faded a bit. or reverted back to normal
But it didn’t hurt at all I know I’d need a blade And I wouldn’t do that because a blade would mean 100 cuts on each thigh hands s h a k i n g because even though my mind doesn’t feel the pain my body does. and feeling so scared of myself. because I don’t know how to stop if I can and oh G o d what have I done
So I just used my nails even though that’s really foolish flirting.
And all I felt was hollow because even now my mind blanks out and needs physical pain to deal with the emotional but it doesn’t help and I know this but it’s just oh so tempting.
The guilt and shame is unbearable
The pain feels g o o d but the side effects feel worse.
I know I can’t go back there especially not 2 weeks from my new job but I want to
even now I w a n t to.
I just hate how I’ve come so far but I still don’t know what else to do when I feel this bad