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Sep 2018
Sleep deprived hallucinations,
the walls are expanding and closing.
There's flashing lights bursting in the air.
There's spiders crawling over my skin.

4am teleshopping trying to desperately sell me a good night's sleep.
Maybe I should spend 199.99 just to fix my insomnia,
the commercial man said it would.

I hate being awake, it gives me too much time to think.
About all the mistakes I make for myself and all the people I miss.
Sit dry eyed until the sun rises and rejuvenate them with my tears.

Buy two 80p pencil sharpeners and a litre of *****.
Hide it under your bed so you can attempt to make things better.

Wait it out,
Take a breath,
They're only there for if you really need it.
But god you really do need it.
I just desperately want to feel something.

I've pushed everyone away from me,
And hate them for not trying to come back.
I'm alone and it's all my fault.
But I'll try blame everyone else so I don't have to address that.

Repeat last years mistakes because at least you knew how to feel.
Sit alone when the party's over and think of the year you put to waste

Burn every positive emotion with the lighter from your back pocket,
Watch all your hard work turn to ash.
Let it disappear like it was never real.

I keep telling people I'm temporary but they don't like to listen.
And when I run away without an explanation they act like they weren't ready?

I'm not real, how many times can I say that.
It's not that i fear commitment its that I fear ever becoming human.
And too much personal contact slowly brings me back to reality.
I don't want that, I pride my unhealthy coping mechanisms too much.
I'll trade ever having a stable relationship so I can dissociate for months.

It's all I've ever know and It's all I'll ever be.
And though like anyone I do crave affection.
I'd rather hide and leave it be.
I'm a burden and a drain on everyone's life.
Now I'm older and self aware I no longer have to think twice,
I'm no good at forming human connections,
I'm incapable to speak how I really feel.

So I'll stay awake until 4am like I always have and probably always will.
I'm sorry if you ever got the chance to meet me and I ran away before you could see how you really feel.

People say I haunt them, I'm always their 'could have been'.

But the importance in that sentence is I am no ones 'should have been'
a complimentary memory foam pillow doesn't sound half bad
Evelyn Smith
Written by
Evelyn Smith
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