I've used them on my windows To see the clear outside, If I read the Op-eds, I shudder, shuttered and hide.
I've spread them 'neath my plates and cups, My shelves all neat and tidy; But the headlines made it clear to me My glass is more half empty.
They had a place in the litter box For **** to scratch and squat; I laid them round my garden plants, They made fine insect traps. Rolled and twirled they'd start a fire, I could fold them into hats. They cleaned the grease from BBQs, And they're safe to pick up glass. Crumple them for packaging, They work as school book covers; Add water and some flour, To shape papier mache lovers. Fold seeds in them to germinate, Then use them for compost; There's many ways to employ Your Times and local Post.
But I won't subscribe to Dailies For the felling of our trees; And yet I miss my papers, And the ways they worked for me. But when enthroned, You'll hear me grouse, There's no **** paper in this ****-house.
My cell works well to scroll and swipe, But it's only good for a virtual wipe.