i get it
i ******* up
i get it

im sorry
im sorry im not reserved and obedient
im sorry im not a genius
im sorry im not always polite and kind

but let's take a second and rewind
ive never been the smartest
or the most obedient
i dont know why you think that would change
or if you thought i'd rearrange my thoughts
and my mentality
let's face it - let's get back to reality
take off this blindfold that covers
the intense brutality

im not your perfect child
im not the kind loving daughter
people always try to change me
well stop-dont even bother

they say your personality is set at age twelve
well newsflash i've been like this since
way before then
and it is NOT going to change

then again.
maybe i do need to change
but theres only so much i can do
before i completely cease to exist.
see to exist is pain for others
so wouldn't it be better not to exist at all?
to cease to exist is what state i wish for
to sink in the depths
to fall through the floor
to melt out the windows
and drip through the pipes
if i were to cease to exist
it would ease all the strife

you wouldn't have to waste your breath
and i wouldn't be
"ruining the ******* family"

that tone of your voice tears at the very last
shred of composure my mind has to offer
i feel trapped and negated
call this a dramatic teenage "plea"
but i've been going through it for far more long than you know

see that brutal anxiety mocks me
as i try to
distract myself
maybe there is something wrong with me
eating inside my mind
this thought has always come to me
throughout this course of time
i wish to know why it haunts me
whatever did i do
because when i think of that moment
my mind splits into two
by better judgement and conscious out one window
and in comes through the door
visions of slaughter and violence
i am ashamed but can't ignore

****** maybe i am being over dramatic
well ****. now i really don't know.

is there really something wrong with me?
i am evil.
so she says...
twists the words so that it's my fault
thats all i've ever thought
but maybe it's actually my fault
for not giving this a thought
i cant seem to deal with this.
cant melt or run or scream for this

God gave me these trials to go through,
but what if there isn't a God?

amateur. ****.
horrible.
you are a ***.

confused? you should be i am too.
im just writing what im feeling because lately its the best i can do.

music and writing- ill turn to you.
it seems you're the only one that doesn't try to change me.

maybe one day i'll change
for better
or for worse

but for now it will remain a mystery