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Aug 2018
Maybe you did love me,  at least I thought you did, when you told me you hated the world but the only thing you didn't hate was me.  Maybe you did love me,  at least I thought you did, when you'd buy me flowers and cards and you claimed you were sorry for the mistakes you've made and that sometimes you felt you weren't good enough. Maybe you did love me, at least I thought you did, when we started deciding how many children we would have,  when we started picking names and when we agreed to how they would be raised. Maybe you did love me,  at least I thought you did,when I'd see you cry because you knew you'd hurt me or because I was in pain, we would then sit in your car and talk things through under the rain. Maybe you did love me, at least I thought you did, when we gave each other those promise rings and we said one day they'd be replaced with the real thing.  Maybe you did love me, at least I thought you did, when you'd tell me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you,  when you promised there was nothing and no one to worry about, and blindly I believed you. Maybe you did love me, at least I thought you did,  but you didn't love me the way I loved you.  You didn't love me enough to stop the lies.  You didn't love me enough to stop you from having wandering eyes. You didn't love me enough to keep your promises.  You didn't love me enough to stay and make all those dreams we talked about come true. Then one day it hit me,  maybe you didn't love me.  Maybe you loved the idea of me.  Maybe you loved that you knew you had me wrapped around your finger. Maybe you loved the idea that I would always linger.  Maybe you loved the attention I gave you but you loved the attention from multiple girls even more. Maybe you loved that you'd knew I'd do anything to keep you, even go to war.  I started to become everything I hated,  I let you walk all over me,  I became a doormat. I became the mud on your shoes,  I was everything and yet nothing to you.  And then I became a burden,  a scab you couldnt scratch off, you were done with me but I wasn't done with us. I kept fighting and holding on for both of us,  and then I finally realized that I was the only one. Then when I finally found out the whole truth, everything, even the good memories seemed like lies.  I told myself then, maybe him ever loving me was also a lie.  And the harsher truth wasnt that you maybe didn't love me,  no, the harsher truth was that I didn't love myself enough.  Enough to have walked away when I saw the red flags,  enough to have put an end to things instead of tolerating them and knowing when to say "enough is enough." I realized that I shouldve never settled for a "maybe he does love me". So maybe you did love me,  at least I thought you did but our dreams never came true and your lies no longer fit.  Maybe you did love me,  but maybe, just maybe you never did.
Written by
Masha  25/F
(25/F)   
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