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Aug 2018
hiding in my blanketed sanctuary
I make myself small
balled up in the fetal position
clinging onto a pillow
that I hug close to me
sandwiched between my knees
my arms wrapped around it

I imagine the pillow animate
the weight and resistance of a torso
a person to put their arms around me too
when I need it

but my pillow does not obey my wishful thinking
and it is never replaced by a chest that rises and falls
it is only ever a padded rectangle
folded and scrunched and squeezed
in my desolate embrace

I scramble through my memories
sifting through the sensory details
grabbing ahold of the most recent recollection
of a night where I wasn’t alone
and wringing it out again and again
trying to squeeze out the final drops
of tactile sensation
the remaining morsels of comfort
derived from physical affections

I pick out the smallest details
and focus on reconstructing them
as vividly as possible—

the feeling of his soft, hot breath
kissing my neck and shoulder
whispers color back into my cheeks

I feel the steady rise and fall
of his slowed, sleepy breathing
and the rhythm of life
throbbing in his chest

his arm wrapped around me
draped across my waist and over my chest
the pressure and weight of his legs
tangled with mine
it feels like safety
and I know I need to cherish it
because I won’t have him for long

I turn around in his arms
to open my eyes and study him
I don’t want to forget his lips
or his long eyelashes
when he leaves

I stroke his cheek lightly
running my fingers through his beard
I want to cry
because I needed this so bad
and it will never last

but I put my sadness away
and save it for a lonelier night
when I won’t hear his quiet snore next to me

for when I am alone again
in my arctic tundra bed
frozen to my sheets
and stuck in the cold—

I want to exist suspended in this moment
these few hours our bodies melted together
and drown in the combined volume
of our collective contentment

I want to always remember you
so when I feel the ice in my core
chilling my bones at night
I have a time to remember
when I finally felt warm
Lost
Written by
Lost  20/NH
(20/NH)   
294
 
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