Its still a nightmare;
& its still so difficult.
Im trying hard.
Im pushing myself.
Im telling myself,
Everyday that its true.
You're gone,
But never forgotten.
And I still think you're here sometimes.
Im still having a hard time accepting this pain.
It wont leave me.
I cant move on.
I cant trust myself without you here.
You were my strength,
And now Im weak without you.
Im feeling like you're trapped behind every picture I look at of you;
& your just unable to jump through the portraits.
Everytime I stare in the mirror,
I wish I was staring at you.
Everytime I go into your room,
I wish I saw you laying down.
The disappearance of your heartbeat,
Made my heart shatter to pieces.
My dreams of you feel so real.
I just wish I could never wake up.
Because when my eyes are open,
You're gone again.
Everytime I hear your name from others,
My body freezes.
And its everything;
Everything in this house,
Everything that I find,
Reminds me of you.
Puddles are everywhere from my tears.
Every tear,
Falls for everything about you;
Everything that reminds me of you.
Everything that was connected to you.
Is this actually happening?
Am I actually trying to live without you?
I just want you to be the one who wakes me up from this nightmare.
I feel like Ive been sleeping for 2 years,
& you havent come to my rescue yet.
& sometimes I try hard not to think about you,
Because it hurts too much.
& when Im so focused on thinking about you,
Its worse,
As I burst into tears.
I ask the same word everyday;
Everytime,
I think of you;
Why?
Why did this have to happen to you?
Why did you suffer all that pain?
& in the end,
You were taken away from all of us.
I cant do this anymore.
Its killing me inside.
I cant move on anymore,
I wanna hide.
I cant live without you here anymore,
Theres nothing left in life.
Why cant you come back to me?
& if not,
Why couldnt I come with you?
Its just so hard for me to accept this kinda pain;
That cut me so deep.
& Im still in so much shock.
& Im still crying.
& Im still grieving.
Its not going to get easier,
I dont care what anybody says.
I cant accept the fact that you're gone.
Im trying to tell myself,
But I cant.
Im trying to explain it to myself,
But I cant.
& by telling myself this,
Its like a slap in the face everyday.
Everyday becomes harder.
Everyday I become weaker.
Everyday I cry more.
Everyday I react differently.
Everyday I have to wake up having to deal with the truth.
I want you here,
& I cant be strong for this.
I love you.
I miss you.
I need you.