I've been cycling through emotions lately Because our breakup led to me completely shutting down I felt nothing Until I felt sadness And then I felt anger Now it's all mixing together In an overwhelming mess Especially with your recent breakups With your other partners The one who I mourned our relationship over Who you suddenly realized you weren't into And the one I'm best friends with Who you told that you were never poly Because **** me right?
Because if you were never poly Then you never really loved me Then again, Have you ever really loved anyone? I try to correct the realization Of you not loving me With the fact that I love myself It's probably a lie, but Fake it til you make it Right? It's hard to accept that Someone I loved more than anyone Could give zero ***** about me It hurts That I was this disposable to you And I did nothing but love you And respect you And hear you And care for you with every ounce of my existence And you just left
Remember when you promised that We could get through anything? And had me promise you the same? Whenever we were unsteady You would ask me that The same thing you asked your last partner Right before they left you "Babe, we can get through anything, right?" And it sounded so sweet and so ******* real But you were just scared You were only ever sweet When you thought we were leaving you
And ******* it I wish I had left you I wish I would've told you all of the things That led to MY decision to leave Because when we talked We agreed it was mutual And I never told you my story You never asked All you asked was what I would tell people Which to some might sound like you cared But all you cared about Was other people's opinions of you Not me Not my opinion Because I was no longer of use to you And during that break up You did ask me why I was crying Though looking back now You probably just wanted to hear me say "I love you" One last time Because why else would I be crying?
I don't know if I ever told you But when you got your third partner I wished I could stop loving you Ironically, I pretty much did In an illusory sort of way since All my emotions shut down from the pain And if I were religious I would've prayed for it Begged for salvation For freedom from The shackles laced around my limbs From loving someone who doesn't care Who didn't respect me enough To really remind me that I mattered In the throes of a new relationship But none of it helped Because I still loved you I still do
What's more than you leaving Is the amount of damage you did first Convincing me how radical and inclusive you are When you shame anyone else For the things that make them happy Oh, and what about transparency And how you avoid passivity in conflict? Where did that person go? You started being passive-aggressive Or even silent sometimes You'd exit the conversation In the middle of an argument And yell at me if I tried to do the same I should've known things weren't ok When I started to thank you For not getting mad and yelling at me Which only made you mad Because I was demonizing you Actually, I was just afraid of you
I was never enough for you You'd spend a lot of your time Complaining about your other partners And, as obvious as it is now, I didn't know you were doing the same about me Because when we were together I thought we were good I respected your boundaries Even when they conflicted with my needs You didn't like physical contact Something I needed in order to feel safe And the few times you did let me hold your hand You complained about it to your other partner As though I were a burden But I am NOT A burden I am NOT Disposable And I may not be perfect But I sure as hell matter
I deserve love I deserve openness and honesty And trust Not like that one time You "forgot" you made a promise to me Then broke it in secrecy And got mad at me later When I was upset with you Because you knew I had trust issues You knew it would upset me But you didn't care Because you "don't need permission" To do anything Which is true Except, when you truly respect someone You keep your word Or you don't get upset about it When they feel pained by your betrayal You said you didn't want to feel Like you owed me something And it's not that you owed me anything But you sure didn't deserve my trust after that And that made you angry
Though not angry like those few times You called me yelling about How I ****** up Because 1) I was hurt that you didn't want to see me Even though we had plans to spend the weekend together And 2) Because I wasn't being a good partner Aka I wasn't submitting to you And following everything you wanted me to You claimed I was hurting you But when I called you out For your blatant hypocrisy You got even more mad
I was crying at work that day I was crouched in the ally Listening to you scream at me Balling my eyes out in pain Trying to maintain my ability to breathe I didn't think to just hang up Because I knew it was disrespectful And I didn't want you to leave me
Later you told me that You like when I cry when we fight Because it proves to you that I actually care That is not ok I can show you that I care Without being in so much pain that Tears stain my face and I struggle to catch a breath
When we met You taught me about autonomy And that saved my life when it came to my depression But then you used it against me To avoid doing anything that didn't benefit you As I bent over backwards to please you And of course I didn't think it was an issue When you would change your mind at the last minute The plans I had looked forward to all day Quickly fell apart Autonomy freed me from my demons' grasp So how could it not make sense? You had the autonomy to choose what you wanted to do But you were just being selfish And didn't care about me Or my feelings And as soon as I stopped Being the only one putting in any effort You left me
You used to say that Our love was stronger than anything But that is an abusive tactic Because if we were struggling, then It must be my fault for not trying enough For not loving you enough And when I tried to put up boundaries (Because sometimes I needed space too Especially when you hurt me so deeply) You decided to threaten that Doing so would make you want to leave me You often held me on that way Threats Manipulation Fear
The way we chose to love polyamorously Was pretty unhealthy We didn't set boundaries Until we did something that hurt us And then we knew we needed to But even then we really didn't Because you didn't respect the ones I set You told me that I couldn't have any more partners You didn't even want me to pursue The new interest I had at the time Thankfully, I didn't submit to you then Because within a few days we broke up And even though I was sad about it I immediately felt relief And regardless of all of this negativity I truly hope you get help And can find happiness in your life And can stop hurting others Just because you're in pain
You matter So do I But your opinion of me doesn't Because I will love myself Exactly for who I am And no longer shame myself For the things you didn't like Because I am more Than what you think of me I am more Than how you treated me And even though I love you I love myself more And respect myself enough to let it go And to let myself be happy Without you in my life
This series is extremely important to me. It has drastically helped with closure over past unhealthy relationships. They were all unhealthy I'm largely different ways and I did not write these to take away my own fault in the breakups, but I wrote this to rid myself of the unnecessary guilt I have been carrying around because of things that these exes have said to me or the ways in which they treated me. This project is about self-love. Not about hatred or wishing ill will upon others, because I wish them nothing but happiness. This is for me.