i'm a bad person because
i cannot love you as you deserve to be loved
i used to write about anonymous men
who thunder through this world,
leaving cracks in the sky
to the women that love them.
but here i am now,
i am just as heinous as the clouds that
block the sun when the earth needs it most.

i have lost my ability to tiptoe
over my anger.
when i'm sad i don't know myself
or you anymore.
my depression makes me see
those who love me as the enemy,
i'm fighting the people who try
to help me,
sometimes i wish they'd see me
as a lost cause.
they're all just trying to
get me out of the smoke so
i can see properly,
but it's too deep into my lungs now,
they're charred by the ash.

you said you wished we could,
i quote: "just be happy"
and i'm apologizing again
because it's always my fault.
i wonder if abusive people know
they are abusive?
i am bad for knowing that i spew
toxicity on everything we grow.
i am bad for not stopping myself,
because my emotions control me as though
i'm merely chemical mass in my head,
not a soul, or a person who
wants to be better.

i'm so sorry, i can't be the good person,
i shouldn't make excuses,
because somewhere under all the illness
i am there.
the more i cry apologies,
the more meaningless they become,
until i send you away by
wanting you closer.