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Jun 2018
dark night like it is now
same spin in the room
meant for me but my eyes were
on you
round soft words all over the floor
slippery, uncontrollable thoughts
spilling into a dark pool of
conversations I didn't know how to have
learning to never say I like playing dark games because

wearing my hair the same way as
if I can go back to before
counting all the red flags doesn't
make me any prouder of myself
you were never for the best but
I wanted a mistake, not a scar

I just
wanted your hands on me for a little while,
your mouth leaving marks on my neck
and then
a long drive home with memories to swim in
until land, until my heart made sense and wasn't
sick and broken and flooded

I ask myself what stupid, naive
immature part of me wanted to impress you so badly
that I accepted your observations of
the type of underwear I was wearing
as a counterargument to the plainness of my words
struggling through a storm of confusion
something about your face, I hated that
I wanted you, but you never
explained what game we were playing
echoes of my own desires churning in my stomach
things I wanted some other way
how can I say that you hurt me when I
wanted you to hurt me.... eventually

the motion of your hips is still stuck in my head
like a day at the ocean but it never goes away
when i could feel it up my spine and in my throat
when it was making me nauseous
staring at the wall and
imagining where I wanted to be, what I wanted to hear

and your name
your name
your name
your name, please
an attempt to bring you back to
some empathetic human form, not the
sick animal that wasn't letting my arms free from clenched palms
the words in my head, etched as if maybe some
other ghost said them, some other girl

and then prickly static all over my body
like a lost TV station
the words muffled in my mind, somewhere inside
the will to move, but it wasn't happening somehow
how do you know a stranger won't **** you in this space?
in this strange void between moaning and screaming?

minutes felt like days
and I hear you mumble something about
how the ****** didn't stay on
some kind of accident

Silent tears, the debate
where to sleep, how to sleep

I cried later because I kissed you in the morning
and you didn't deserve it
I thought this made it easier, that
I was attracted to the dark
better off with one bad night
lied to everyone, and the ones who
heard about it made themselves scarce
i'm sorry, silence, new subject
bury it like we bury
everything that needs healing

months later, at the bargaining stages
of my grief, trying to see you again,
as if a different night would make it better
paint over the blood stains
in the end I embarrassed myself
not for trying, but for making you worth the time

you were a bad night
in a bad room
bad words, bad decisions
I blamed everything else but
suddenly everyone is talking about
bad rooms and nightmares and
some woman in a room is listening to me
ask myself if it was true
Written by
     Connor Ruther and arizona
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