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May 2018
Yesterday was a day of fluent escape,
helpless weight in my heart,
draped in a nebula
in which I didn't see.
From the beginning
I just wanted to sleep again.
Tried to distract from
inevitable action,
lacked the bravery to mention,
to attend the portal of reflection
in this nebula,
which must be an embodiment
of my surrendered,
mindcontrolled body fraction.
IΒ Β knew I couldn't run away,
so I forced myself to sleep again.
Light out, darkness in my room,
just the crack in the shutter
delivered some light.
Darkness in grey,
still perceiving the outlines
of matter,
lying on the bordeaux matress,
eyes arriving at the ceiling,
but the feeling still stuck.
So I started to listen to Mogwai,
to their longplayer "Rock Action."
To this day,
it always took me somewhere nice
and cleaned me from my wave of sin,
relaxed me into deep sleep.
Screen blacked out,
closed my eyes
and this time I arrived
directly in a dream.
At first I didn't know,
lay on my matress,
light circumstances the same,
could change my perspective,
but couldn't move.
Observed the shelves in front and the door beside,
the desk on my left
and again,
the ceiling,
everything like before.
I started to recognize the dissonances,
differences to reality,
I couldn't change the position of my head
and though I was able to switch
between these three living pictures.
Only these three pictures.
Shelves and door,
desk again
and on and on and on.
Music was playing throughout the dream,
must have been "2 Rights Make 1 Wrong"
in this moment,
when I started to panic.
Body and mind disconnected,
eyes wide,
desperately trying to move my arms and legs,
but not even an inch
in success.
and desk.
I kept trying,
put a lot of effort into
my commands to move,
looked for proof, if I would be really sleeping,
while I was screaming,
just in my mind,
no sound would leave my mouth.
I realized,
I was trapped,
closed my eyes
and tried to sleep in my dream.
It beamed me back,
For a moment I thought
I was awake,
could move a bit,
though still stuck in these perspectives.
As if I'd have to carry a thousand mountains
in my heart,
it felt,
while I tried again
to induce my limbs
with energy
and it worked to a degree,
could place my right knee
on the sheets,
wanted to push up,
but always fell flat
with my stomach on the bed.
And that's when the repeating reset started,
every little move lead me into the initial position on my back.
The door opened
and my little brother walked in,
he's not living with me,
but sometimes visiting,
another dissonance,
he must have been at least 4 years younger
than he is.
He ignored or didn't recognize me,
sat down on the chair in front of my desk
and that was it.
I screamed, tried to communicate,
no reaction.
I closed my eyes,
Brother gone.
Everything like before again.
Okay, I am on my own,
have to keep trying,
defying the trap.
all over me.
"Robot chant",
I stopped,
nothing happened for a while,
I was thinking,
don't remember the content,
the whole time staring at the ceiling.
No more trying,
just lying on my back.
That's when I started to see a devilish,
almost transparent light form,
shaped like a inhuman face in liquid,
with my left eye,
it slipped in
and an ******* feeling rushed through
every synaptic connection in my head.
My head in convulsion, uncontrollable.
It felt brutally satisfying,
can't deny,
but also very wrong,
as if something touched me,
which isn't supposed to be.
Who was visiting?
Is it still in?
**** the tries,
again, closing my eyes,
please no more visitor!
I just screamed "help!"
and woke up.
Sweat bathed,
able to move,
"O I Sleep" playing through my speakers,
something extremely different,
the helpless weight in my chest dissolved
or was left in this multilayered dream,
at least for a moment
and I felt like a feather,
standing up, no problem
at least for a moment.
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