let me tell you this story of how i felt better after a while
first it was my brother that left then it was my mom and then my father who isn’t even my father wasn’t even around always too busy to play a board game, leaving me to play Stratego alone my brother too old to play with a younger sister who plays with his hot wheels
but my father who didn’t help me when i needed him most who didn’t listen when i made it so blatant that i was hurting who didn’t hear me when i was sobbing so hard and didn’t realize that i was trying so hard to not be there at all ever
and then there was him a boy who said he loved me but wouldn’t listen to me either said i didn’t have the right since his parents were split since one
and there was also him again but with a different face who said he loved me but was with me for the intimacy who saw my cuts and instead of listening, slapped them, which stung which made me tear myself up some more
then there was him but in the form of a feeling that told me he loved me and kept me warm at night leaving me heart empty and my soul bare it felt right to be there
but my father wasn’t my father and getting to the point i think i’m trying to make he’d rather help his girlfriend and her daughter than help his own blood even if she claims suicide, claiming it’s only a phase but the scars show it true that it was no fad
and oh, i’m not allowed to cry it seems i’m trying to manipulate by showing my feelings i’m not allowed to show affection because then i’ll be manipulating and i can do no right in his eyes everything i do is manipulating and betraying
and it’s no wonder, he says, i have no friends because i am so selfish and worthless a ******* that will never amount to anything ever.
he screams, you do nothing for me i do everything in this house, he says, all you do is take and take and i’m sick of it i want some appreciation,
he yells, connie wouldn’t do this to me because she loves me you’re just like your mother manipulating and a liar.
please understand, after being told so many times by multiple people, that it seems i have begun to understand and accept these as truths and that i really have no worth at all and the feeling i have come to love, (a sense of numbness that is mine and no one else can understand) kept me simply on the edge until that night,
but once again i have gone off track this is getting much too long and from the beginning i’ve been trying to explain that i don’t feel this way all the time anymore
and while i want to rip apart my flesh and ruin my hair i’m starting to feel better and as if i am something quite nice