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Apr 2018
I lie awake at my lowest
Locked into the subtleties of my utter depths
In a place one shouldn’t venture

I lie there
Looking up to where I know I should reach
But somehow find the excuse to stay

Stay in the pits of my mind
Laying above the ground below
Yet feeling below from where I lay

I regret remaining there after
But in the moment, it is only peculiar
A small wonder in my mind

Why would I reach up?
It feels comfortable here
In a place I can accept

Why shall I struggle?
I can remain here, hide from those outside
Only to continually say, “I’m fine.”

Most would say remaining is a mistake
Others too entrenched in themselves
To even care

I find myself running through the reasons to rise
Do it for others, for those you don’t know, or even those you dislike
But never for myself

I constantly ask for forgiveness
To those indebted, those I trust, and even beings whose existence I can’t confirm
Yet never to myself

Time passes in this loop
People rushing past, enveloped in world seemingly-separate from mine
Focusing on other aspects, as they should

I find myself looking for answers
To the depth, the purpose of my sanity, and even to what I see
But then I’m reminded of my lowest

I arrive once again at this point
Somehow inevitable, but perhaps welcomed
Revolving around a door which can’t stop

They tell me they’ll be there for me
Yet they can’t, how could they?
Never would I let them see this

I open my eyes
Look around at a place that has become familiar
Yet know I can’t remain, no matter the comfort

I glance at my hand, frail to this point
And reach up
Until next time
Jayesh
Written by
Jayesh  20/M/Los Angeles
(20/M/Los Angeles)   
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