they're happening again
the thoughts i know i shouldn't have
i can't seem to fight them off anymore
i'm tired of being me
i'm to weak to change
yet too frustrated to stay the same

i don't know what to do from here
i already have 29
i wish i could add some more
in places where
they might actually matter
but again
i'm too scared
i'm too weak

why can't i change
why can't i do
they one thing i want to do
why won't i let myself be happy?
why can't i love myself?
why won't i risk making the hell i live in
just a little bit worse?
if i did, i could get a spark
of something that makes me better

but i could also
lose everything

i've never been lucky
i don't know if it's worth it
i don't know
i don't know
what to do
who i am
what i stand for

it seems
this is where
my thoughts love to reside
the thoughts
they're happening