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Jan 2018
A beautiful afternoon,
filled with a focused book reading.
The cigarettes i smoked,
absorbing me in my own sadness.
With every particle of smoke,
I saw the ever so small hope.
Hope of there being an attraction,
no, it was more so of a need.
I saw the conversation we exchanged,
had previously thought of responding later.
Naively picking up the phone, to hear from you again.
The words we exchanged took an unfortunate turn,
there was an argument and an exchange of words.
I was the nervous kid trying to explain my nervousness,
and while you were arguing for me to stop acting that way.
We still argued, naively.
Perhaps if I paid more attention to what you wrote, it might have been better.
But emotions absorbed me, and now I felt cornered. Felt as if you were angry, as if I couldnt speak anymore.
So then I approached , the friend I thought most reasonable to answer
for the embarrassment had all but emptied me of thoughts.
And he did write, in his own arrogance, a most hostile of the answer,
with words of accusations, words of defense and thoughts provoked by misinterpretation.
So then you wrote back, angry and surprised, for you knew not
that this was what I thought of you But you had all the reason to think so,
even though I did not.
And so you requested, that I may relieve you of my prescence,
given how strongly I came off, given how strongly the arrogant idiot of a friend
had royally ******* me.
So I made a last attempt, to salvage from the reckage of this friendship that I sought so much more from. Apologizing at every end, for the mistakes for the misinterpretations,
for being an *******.
But it seems I had hurt you, and I had hurt the impression you had of me,
for now my face would remind you of only those strongly worded things "I" said.
For now you wouldΒ Β never feel comfortable talking to me, after knowing what I truly felt underneath.
But I tried, and I tried so much to apologize, but my cowardice could not explain the truth
the fact they were not my words, the fact I was scared,
the fact I was embarrassed.
And I broke it beyond repair, and you kept insisting as subtly and kindly as you could,
for me to stop talking
and I kept apologizing, to no luck it seemed.
Alas, I gave in, and tried in my best and most friendly way
to agree to your terms,
but you phrasing the decision as my choice, made it ever so hard
But I guess I made the right choice, for maybe I deserved this
maybe after certain knockdowns I might actually learn.
But I knew what I thought, that I wont like so many things,
about this one unique person, for such a long time,
ever again, and now I stand speechlesss,
of how I escaalated things to such a
level, and I know
I was just a friend amongst your small list
of a relatively larger social circle,
but never was I so open to someone,
whilst being so emotionally closed.
Alas, my fear has caused my reckoning,
maybe if I was more open,
maybe if I was more honest,
maybe if I was a better friend.
Maybe if I had written that response myself,
perhaps, im better off alone.
weeping in my sorrow and pain,
but what hurts more, is I was just
another friend, and not even a good
one at that apparently.
The poem speaks for itself, its a testament to my **** ups, and perhaps the monumental sign of my need for becoming independent, the need to take my actions myself. nonetheless, hope every one of you had a good read.
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