My moods name is Kaleidoscope pattern or what is also known as Bipolar Disorder. With the outer of moods being a silver tube- cold and hard. Inside of my moods is a swirl of colours which changes throughout the days and people it interacts with.
Kaleidoscope pattern changes as much as the weather outside. Some weeks will be so full of sunshine and a clear sky with a nice breeze. Those other weeks? Kaleidoscope pattern will turn into a dark stormy cloud following me wherever I go. Kaleidoscope will rain hail on top of me making it hard for me to concentrate on my surroundings, but I am listening through this hail of sadness and destruction.
Kaleidoscope pattern is not hormonal or that “that time of the month” my friends call it. No, it does not make me feel like the women in ****** commercials, it makes me feel like those big pharma ads for depression medication. It makes me feel shameful once every week of every month- there will be that dark stormy cloud following me wherever I go.
Kaleidoscope is my drug. It makes me laugh because it turns me into a maniac. It makes me so hyper I wish I could take more of this drug to keep me going through those dark stormy cloud time of the months. I am not high off of any drugs, I am bipolar.
Kaleidoscope has this best friend, that has set up camp in my head. It pays no rent, does not need any utilities. It is like that annoying neighbour that plays his music really loud in the middle of the night right before 11 pm, so you can’t say anything because it is before curfew. You just have to stay awake and listen to the music. That annoying neighbour in my head is playing music and it is saying for me to feel suicidal and that I am never going to be good enough.
Kaleidoscope pattern is like sidewalk chalk with my memory. Every time it rains, it pours. When it pours all of those drawings on that sidewalk wash away with the rain and into the gutter and disappears with that dark stormy cloud taking over my memory. It washes away the memory of where I put my cards, phone, or keys because I have no energy to redraw those chalk sidewalk drawings when it will just wash away- or the chalk will get soft and wash down the gutter with my memories. I have nothing left to remember, other than this dark stormy cloud.
Kaleidoscope has a father, who has the same last name as mine. He is a minefield, tiptoeing around him and watching where I walk like the mice before Christmas. Except, if you step in the wrong place you blow up- along with his respect for you, and down with his anger. Making you think that love is strategic, and that you have to give him all of your sunny days to avoid those dark stormy clouds he had. Because I am his son of a bomb, and a dynamite stick wrapped in good intentions.
Kaleidoscope gets angry for no reason, that’s how it will digest the depression. As it slides down the back of my throat, forcing me to choke it back up because I have no energy to keep anything down along with the food I need for nutrition to battle my depression.
My mattress calls me insomnia.
My pillow complains I do not sleep enough.
My bedroom walls say I need that medication.
Society says “I am moody or too harsh”
I say I am ******* beautifully unique like my Kaleidoscope pattern.
--I am not a very open person--
So this, is a poem opening about my struggle with bipolar disorder- and how it ******* ***** but I have to learn to love it.
I get moody, depressed (severely), and I feel so many emotions and I can't control them so I tend to lash out at loved ones, to cope with it. I feel as if, not many people understand my struggle- so I wrote Kaleidoscope pattern.