here i am again -
rock bottom.
my heart is busted up into pieces
and you say that you are close
but you feel so far away.
you say im not alone
but i am so afraid.
i've sunken into bad habits again.
i dont know how to fix things
or how to come
all i know is that all i want
is to be loved and love again
and find a painless love
where im not constantly the clinging end
of  a moving train.
i dont want to feel it.
i wish i could become numb.
i wish i didn't feel any of this.
i just want to be happy again.
and feel safe again.
but i see you with her,
and my heart breaks all over again.
the nightmares are worse
i can't eat, not for days.
i feel so nauseous.
i can hardly pull myself out of bed.
i just want to be happy again.
i trade my pain for reckless behavior in hopes to
i dont know - move on? distract myself.
but i don't know what im doing anymore.
this isn't a beautifully constructed poem.
or a hopeful one.
its just works on a screen,
that account for nothing.
and i am so very lost.