I was abused as a child
Now as an adult
I crave for it
Like a pregnant woman craving pickles and peanut butter

I look for around every corner at 1 am
Short skirts, crop tops, 50F degree weather
I know houses that are unsafe for girls my age
Should I knock?

I look for it in the mouths of men
Men who were older than me
A reputation I wish I didn't have
But I do

I look for in the alcohol I drown my liver in
The boys liked to party with me
I was able to shoot whiskey and *****
No need for fruity drink or wine coolers

I look for it in the rolled paper I puff in his garage at 4am
With red eyes and foggy head
The only time I actually felt safe

I look for it in the pills I've popped at parties
Honestly, I have no clue on pills I took
I didn't care then and don't care now
Wish I was still 15 and dumb

Why is abuse addictive?
I wanted to escape it
I escaped it

I am looking for it
I want it
I want the fear
The bruises
The screaming
The pain
The everything

Who am I without the Abuse?
Am I even a person without it?
Is that all I am good for?
To be used and abused.