I carried you for almost 7 months. A small person in My small 14 year old body. I loved you with passion and fire. I would whisper songs to you Because I was not allowed to sing. I would hold pillows as practice. To holding you. I would read to you in a whisper Because he was illiterate. And was jealous I knew how to read. I lost you in a bathtub. It was the place I crawled to when I saw the blood. We didn't have a phone I couldn't call anyone. I cried for my mother As I clawed at the porcelain. I screamed for her As I clawed at my swollen stomach. The blood flowed. I watched it pool at the drain. Light at first, watery Growing darker by the minute Then begin to flow heavier. The pressure to push was immense. I wasn't even knowledgeable enough To know my ******* would be in the way. Until I felt your head inside them I tore them off. And you slipped out Like a little eel. You were perfect. I held you and threw my head back And looked at the spotted Rain damaged ceiling. When I delivered the placenta I thought my insides were falling out. I knew before you even came into the World that you would never see it. You had stopped moving 5 hours before. My little girl child. Who was killed. Stomped out of me by her Own 19 year old father. Because I refused to iron a shirt for him To go out on a "Date"
He came home the next morning. Still high. I had wrapped you in one of the two Baby blankets I had. After I washed both of us in the tub. Where I marveled at the beauty of you. All of your tiny fingers. All of your tiny toes. The way your legs were a froggy pose. The roundness of your tummy. The softness of your palm Which is where I whispered I love you over and over again. I sobbed how sorry I was Over and over again too. As I cradled you naked In my arms. In that old bathtub
I begged him to bury you. He refused and left for work. Ran really. He ran out the door. I didn't know it was ******, I didn't know it was illegal. So I buried you like I would A beloved pet. In my favorite purse. With you in a diaper Swaddled tightly in that baby blanket. Under a tall palm tree. Away from the scorched side That I had burned the month before. I only had boys after you. I think you would have (Loved life) Loved them. You are only 10 months older Than your oldest brother. I still have your baby book All the notes I wrote for you. I stopped writing in that book The day before I had you. There are no words to say Nothing that could've been writ That I haven't said a million times In my mind and heart daily. Mine were the only arms that ever held you Mine were the only eyes that seen you I will carry you with me every day of my life
I hate ceramic Cherubs. They remind me too much of you. You never had a chance to live. You didn't have a proper death Beneath the rain stained ceiling In that ramshackle shack.
I have lost 2 babies. One was stomped out of me at 7 months. One that I miscarried.
I personally would not have an abortion but I feel that every woman has the right to choose. I will never judge.
I have seen too many women have spontaneous abortions. One memorable one is a 13 year old who delivered a baby at approximately 20 weeks. I intubated and used a resuscitation bag between her legs because the baby was only half delivered. The umbilical cord was wrapped around the child's waist. She didn't survive.
The fetus starts developing the heart, spinal cord, kidneys etc... at about 5 weeks, at 6 weeks the heart starts beating, the baby can have hiccups, **** on their hand and grow fingernails.
I feel very sad that some women don't carry to term. I have had a lot of patients with Down syndrome. They are filled with happy love. And give the most loving hugs. But most also need lifetime care. (Unless extremely high functioning) who will love and protect them after the mother is gone? These are valid thoughts we women have. Not just about the wellbeing of the young baby but the adult child.
I have also supported women who via ultrasounds/sonography find that the baby has Anencephaly. This is not such a rare thing as people think. No brain or the skull is open. The prognosis for a baby like that is typically less than a day after they are born. Some women want to carry to term just to hold their baby. Some women choose to abort.
My sister had a Anencephalic baby. She found out at almost 6 months. She was injected with seaweed to widen the ****** and to absorb the moisture in the ******. Basically killing the baby with salt and suffocation. Then the baby was removed in pieces. I did not tell her the details of what was happening to her body. She would have been traumatized more. And honestly? She wouldn't have wanted to know.
I think the majority of women that choose abortions mourn their child. Your body is forced into thinking it had a baby. And most women go through a period of postpartum feelings including depression.
I worked for years in NICU. A neonatal intensive care. Some babies were born at 1 pound or less. The thing about working with pediatrics, neonate in particular, is that you see some horrific births. Chromosome anomalies that don't survive to even childhood. And the traumatized parents are heartrending.
Sorry for writing a book. I feel passionate about this subject. I will stop here
I was married at 14. A choice my mother made to emancipate me from the courts as a foster child.