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Aug 2017
We are waiting on the results.
The Fluorescent lights pIERCING my eyes,
causing my brain to throb and smash against my skull.
Oh! The possibilities!
Thyroid condition, pancreatitis, blood clot... cancer?

We are still waiting.
The walls look thick and containing,
but they ooze with the words from the outside world.
I can feel the presence of everything around me.
Paper thin walls could not keep out the fly buzzing by the sink.

Footsteps of many breeze past the door-
back and forth
forward and back
pause, stomp, turn, and back again.
The heels clicking on the unnerving white linoleum.

Why did they pick white anyway?
In a hospital?
All of the colors and the stains,
couldn't they afford a more forgiving color?

My room is safe from the halls
filled with muffled screams,
deep moans,
and the overwhelming stench of *****.
How embarrassing it is to be unable to control the vessel you have inhabited since the beginning?
Will that soon be me?

I do not want to look in their faces.
The dark circles housing their glassy eyes,
and their apologetic smiles.
I think I am going to *****.

My life flashing before my eyes,
and I can hardly hold on to the little lunch I had.
A rapping on the door comes
The visitor does not wait on a response

The doctors glide into the room swiftly and justly-
Whether the news is good or bad,
their indifferent expressions would never tell

All of them look the same
Perfect hair
Glowing teeth
their skin taut,
shiny and rubbed raw with anti-septic

Who are these people anyway?
They "help" us
They "fix" us
so that they can go home to bleach their perfect mouths
and trim their even nose hairs
and buy their perfect children brand new SUVs for their sixteenth birthdays?

"cancer, it's moving an......"

I cannot hear him.

I think I am deaf.

I do not care what Mr. I Still Have Time to Pump Iron and Save Your Life at the Same Time has to say.

Is he still talking?

Honey, your arms won't save me this time.

The silence comes, but I am screaming.

Why does no one ever want to scream?

I am always screaming.

Nothing feels better than having cancer and screaming it to the world.

No one knows how to respond, so we just keep screaming.

and screaming and screaming and screaming

until their ears are bleeding and the tears flood from their face

I am not hurting you but I am dying

so I will scream

and I will scream

until the glass shatters

and my hearing returns

and you will be left

with my infected body

a cancerous lump lying in bed

my mouth in the shape of my scream

but your ears will have healed and your tears will have dried

let my image burn into your mind

your emotions have left you and my cancer has stayed

I am gone and I am still screaming

But now, I am home.
Written by
Rhianna Powell
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