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Jul 2017
I don’t know if this is relatable. I don’t know if it’s just me or a million others.
Do you ever have those days.

Those days, you know?

Those days where you’re so gone. 
You’re so not you, and sad, and alone, and empty that you want to try to **** yourself.
Not actually succeed though.

Those days seem to happen more often for me now.
Those days where you want to try to **** yourself because no one believes your sad until that point. 
Where the cliche thought of it’s for attention becomes true. 
Not for good attention though, just for anything. 
Just for your sadness to be validated because you don’t wear black anymore and your hair isn’t chopped off so you mustn’t be sad. 
Like the fact that you stopped cutting yourself means you must love yourself. Not like it was because you were tired of hurting your friends.

Maybe you haven’t stopped and you just still blame yourself. 
Maybe I’m still ******* sad even though I wear the color pink.
 Maybe I wear pink because I’m so ******* sad that I want someone to notice it. 
To see me. 
To listen and to really hear. 
Just for someone to understand that you’re there. 
That you’re real.
 That your plummeting into this hole of ******* self destruction and you just want someone to see it.

To know.

To understand.

Those days, come more often now. 
Those days scare me.
What scares me more though, is having a day where I don’t get stopped. 
A day that I don’t want to just try, a day where I want to succeed.

Realistically I know those days won’t come. 
I don’t want to try.
 I’m not going to try. 
I’m not going to do that to the people who care about me.
I won’t give up my chances of being happy like that.

One day I’m going to smile and realize that I forgot about those days.

That those days were just days, and not my life.

And that day, that’ll be the only one that matters.
I hope this doesn't upset anyone, it's just a weird realization I had.
Written by
Leila Whitney  18/F/California
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