i’m haunted by a word, no, a murmur
a laughing, lilting lullaby that echoes inside my ears
and crawls around the walls of my head on all fours.
it’s a *****, dogged ******* with a bullet for a tongue and, in turn, a mouth like a loaded gun
and maybe that is why my brain bleeds
i’ve never known how to fall in love without dying
i’ve never known how to love without killing myself
i have never known how to love myself and another simultaneously
and so the word "love" is evil and it is poisoned
and it is still dripping with the spit of my former lovers from when they carelessly let it drip off of their tongues and into my cotton mouth
and i drank it in greedily because i was so parched for affection and i lacked the emotion that i thought a lover could give me
when they were actually absorbing every ounce that i had and using it for their own ******* glow
let’s talk about the fact that i’ve been run dry
and that the hollows of my bones are filled with dust
and that my heart is caught in such a drought that it’s cracking and chipping and breaking as we speak
and now my lungs are burning from all the cigarettes
and my throat is charred from how many times i've caved in and told you that i love you
but i'll admit that every time you say it back it's like you're pouring something ice cold into my open mouth