Christmas lasts for months on end. Nights spent by the anything but silent fire, evenings spent navigating through the white. lights from every name and every sign swallow all who venture out. you took my hand and guided me out from the dark toward the bright world blurred by reds and greens. "Hot chocolate? Pleeeease." You laughed in response and returned with a plethora of the drink I did not need. we made chocolate chip cookies and after we ate them all i crawled on top of you and curled up like my cat does for his mid-afternoon nap. i bought every Christmas movie I could find at the store. i have wanted this for so long. i could feel the snow covering your roof, flake by flake- leaving only a place for the smoke to rise. you kissed my head as the names of the creators of the first movie flashed across the screen. you told me it was your favorite, but i already knew. Now, it is warmer. The skies are dark and there are no lights. I can feel the rain on the roof. I can hear it pounding the ceiling. I know it is trying to get to me. I hold my ears as I will the ceiling to break through. I beg the roof to give up. I want it to shatter. The way it would cut my surface would feel better than that of my mind being stuck in these memories on loop. your face your smile your face your laugh your face your hands your face the way you kissed me your face our fights your face your evil words your face the first time we met your face your face your face your face your face your face your face your face your face your face your face your face your face and maybe if i say it enough i will forget what you look like and all i will see are the words i have fabricated in my mind because that is where i am living. i can make it anything, until i come to, and you are not there anymore.