Lord, why am I not satisfied? Why do I seek on earth what You have promised I'll find above? Is it because he's beautiful? Is it because I hear his voice, and not Yours? Is it because I've seen his love for children, even though you've claimed all humanity as Your Own?
Why do I want him, and not You?
Why can I not tear my eyes away when I know I could be missing You? Even if he were mine, I wouldn't be loved perfectly. A part of me would still be empty because he's just a man. A beautiful, loving, wonderful man, but a man all the same.
I've asked You to take my heart, my desires, my thirst for his love and throw it away unless You want this to be. But does my desire to be fulfilled block Your access to my heart? Does my wish that these feelings are meant to be in place deafen me to Your call?
Lord, my beloved, my all in all, You are what I crave. You are the one I desire. I can't say, “I don't want You enough,” because it's a lie from the pits below. But I do guard myself from Your love. I hide behind my lofty dreams when You want to carry me above them.
I don't know Your plans. You may want us to unite. You may want me for Your Own. You may have someone entirely different set aside for me to love. I want to want what You want for me. Guide me through the garden. Walk with me through the valley. I believe; now help me to be satisfied.
Another therapeutic piece over the same man. Written during the tail end of my heart's struggle to see him as a friend. Based on St. Anthony of Padua's "Be Satisfied With Me" meditation.