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May 2017
I said i'd never let someone take control over me the way you did. Your words wrapped around my throat the way a snake wraps around its prey; Im your prey. Im nothing more than a mouse in a field.
Your flames licked at the paper, the contract of our love, burning what we used to have. Burning my love for you, brighter at first, but then fading into a deep glowing pile of ash.
I didn't know i didn't love you until we ended, until that pile of ash blew away, taking our memories with it. I didn't know i didn't love you until you became the pesticide to the flowers you planted and let grow, weaving in my rib cage and growing around my heart. I didn't know i didn't love you until i stopped feeling like prey being attacked, being at risk just by sharing the same space as you. When i tired to leave for me you yelled at me, but i didn't hear anything over the sound of my self made independence.
We didn't love each other. We were just kids who thought they understood the cruel world of love. I hate to say it but you weren't my happy ending, and you weren't my princess charming. But there was something about the way i felt less trapped, not stuck in your coils; something about the way i felt less choked up when i tried to speak made up for the heartbreak i felt.
I loved you, but then again I didn't all at once. I was in love with the idea of being in love and if i missed you it was only because i missed the idea of someone loving me. But i know now that i am loved. I love myself and i don't need you to help me see that. I love my flaws the way you said you did. I am capable of loving myself and being independent without you and your problems weighing me down.
I don't miss your manipulative tongue that i shared many kisses with. I don't miss your soft hands that wrapped around my wrist and kept me caged. I don't miss you. Not at all.
I missed my independence. I missed my freedom. I missed laughing with my friends without worrying who you were with or what you were drinking and what you were doing. I missed listening to music without the songs reminding me of what you've done to me. I missed enjoying my precious life for what it is; precious, calm, and beautiful.
I didn't have to be in love to love my life, and i recall a time you once told me in order to love someone else i had to first love myself. And now I have more love to give. But not to you because you brought me more hurt than happy. But to my friends, family and to the next girl who plants flowers in my stomach to help me bloom. To the next girl who not only provides sunshine but teaches me how to make it for myself. To the next girl who lets me make mistakes without punishing me for them.
Tori Thornsbrough
Written by
Tori Thornsbrough  17/F/Sedalia Missouri
(17/F/Sedalia Missouri)   
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