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Apr 2017
What if I don’t leave a note?

Would you lie awake at night and wonder what pushed me over the edge?
Would you close your eyes and think of which of those words—
The one’s we were always told could never hurt us—
Found it’s way so deep into my heart that I started to crumble?
Would you curse the world for the sticks and stones that broke all my bones
and kept me frozen in place unable to run from the pain?
Would you feel disgust in the ground you walk on for swallowing me down 6 feet below?
Do you think you’d scream at whatever God we’ve created in the sky that allowed such evil to exist?

What if I never tell you which goodbye would be our last?

How would you remember it?
Would you start to realize the fear in my voice,
Or the uncertainty in my actions,
Or the steady decline of my broad smile and sparkling eyes to nothing more than frowns made of coal?
Would you know?
That I was ready to slip into the darkest parts of my being and never returned.
Would you know and deny it because you thought I was strong?

What if I leave you a map?
A map of all the places I’ve been, the place where I am, and all the places I once wanted to go.
Would you walk through the world I couldn’t handle for me?
Would you want to breathe the air as I once did
Or are you too afraid it’ll just crush you too?

So many questions left to ask and left to answer,
But in a world where words move mountains and build faiths and break hearts and mends them…
Questions are better than tears.

Because sweetheart,
If I write a note it’ll break you and I don’t want to show you the **** side of a world you see such beauty in.
And I cannot bare that never ending phone call where neither of us want to say goodbye and hang up,
Because we both know what would come next.
And if you walk in my footsteps the you are walking down a minefield with no proper preparations,
So even what you feel is the right step could mean your life and that is not a burden I wish to pass on.

So, if I don’t leave a note,
Or a map,
And I don’t tell you which goodbye is our last,
Do not resent me because that’s a pain that not even death can stop.
I cannot die leaving my hurt behind
On the shoulders of the only beautiful thing this world has left.
I'm sorry if this is too sad, I'm just venting
Adrienne Toles
Written by
Adrienne Toles  18/F/Florida
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