One day I wondered what it would be like to **** myself
Not because I wanted to die
But because I wasn't sure that I was living
But I knew if I died
My mother's world would crumble
And if I died
My sisters would have no one to look up to
And if I died
I wondered
Would anything I had done up until now have any meaning?
If I died
Had I done anything up until now that had any meaning?
And I wondered if I ever truly felt alive
Like people describe alive to be
Wind running through your hair, fast paced, quickened heartbeat, running through the streets barefoot, staying after the street lights come on, the "oh my god isn't that just great" moments
So I tried it
I tried to live fast
I tried to be reckless
Tried to experience the moments that took people's breath away
And all I realized was I felt more alive
At home with my family
Felt more alive
Reading a good book in the sun
Felt more alive doing things people said weren't living
Because life is what you make it
And some days I still wonder what it would be like to **** myself
And know the simplest way would to live a life I don't love