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Jan 2017
It feels alien to watch
my heart break without the rest of me breaking with it
my skeleton didn't crumble, I am not
a pile of ashes collecting inside an empty bottle of wine
just a jagged tear messily splitting a soft, beating lump of flesh
a little monster hellbent on destroying itself
why does the heart impale itself on arrow-shaped loves?
why don't I ever learn that the way in is never the way out?
all the way through, you went all the way through my life
latching onto what burned through me like a comet
finally letting myself fall with blistered hands and empty lungs
plunging into waves at full speed, bashed around by
a grief so deep its currents stole gravity and oxygen
and anything else that made sense before
every tiny impact of my existence painfully reminding me
in breaths, steps, quiet dinners
an echo of alone
A song on the radio isn't about us
but the notes and the melody have the same
howling anguish of losing you
I thought of it and didn't drown
but it rained all day

Your face in my mind is like leaving home
that wistful ache of turning back and seeing how far I am from it
the pain of choosing between the rest of my life and the rest of his
loss is not a wound that closes up nicely, it is not
a heavy weight that becomes light as a feather
it is a scream in the night that turns into a song
time can only teach us to sing without tears spilling down our cheeks
Written by
   Connor Ruther
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