I used to be more disciplined than this
weary admission: depressed.
Don't even have bravado,
Can't even let the tears fall
without choking them back
and praying for release from
thy lord's wrath.
I let the dizziness of freedom
take hold, unspeakable existential
terrors stand so bold as reality flickers
and this time I am not on anything
nor have I been in a long while.
I crave what it cannot give me,
With which it can no longer fill me;
Happiness and stability, is it wrong to be
full of longing, striving to escape, for a release
from whatever's been pressing me, pressuring,
Impressing upon or expressing from. I realized
all the things I am
or all that I am not
willing to have, fear
somehow makes me
less of a man
than the man
I should be but I know that's not true,
I am no more than any of you,
Any human, imperfect.
Know thyself, know how one appears
to be, to accept an appearance
is to subscribe to definition
and apparently to affirm a particular
definition. Knowledge comes from appearances,
Even knowledge of the self, the self is nought but an appearance. Gender and race are social constructs, connotations, names given.