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Dec 2016
it's much easier being sane when you're around, baby
and time isn't buried with matches of Dota
where my team really doesn't seem to know what they are doing
or have much mastery
as for myself, I have mastery
as for myself, I have a lover that loves me
as for myself, I feel like my brain has undone much of its development
and now there isn't space for love because love
can't catch a moment before it flees
my thoughts cannot catch moments before they flee
everything around me flees
everything I have ever wanted, or care for, all of the ways that I thought
people were better
but no

so I am up again
past 4:00 and I have work in the morning

and I can't help but feel like she's going to lose me and I am going to lose my job, and I don't know how to care for everything I had ever hoped or wished for again and I see now
how adults are so broken
the things that I witnessed as a child being made sense of
through me

here I become the things I thought were silly
and I try to psychoanalyze, to unwind the clock
of my self destruction
but what's the point
I don't want to burn eternally
I want to make arguments for suicide, or anarchism
because everything else in life is terribly ****
everything else is tainted
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