Anxious breathing
Would devour me whole
If it weren't for my unwillingness to be a burden.

I breathe in and I count
And then I lose track because I'm dizzy.

Waiting for time to pass,
Distracting myself via baking cookies.

I can't even begin
To articulate
Why I feel this way.

That you'll find something better--
That this isn't so permanent to you.
That you don't think we're meant to be
The way I do.

And it shouldn't bother me
But it rubs me the wrong way
Because I can't read you
The way I read others.

Other people are obvious,
They think they're hard to read,
And because of their colors,
They aren't.

But I see your colors
And I can't tell what they mean
Because there's so many of them,
And they don't move in the same way,
And you try to hard to be level and steady
That rarely does anything slip out from your carefully constructed walls and gates and fences.

And usually people are trying to break me down,
Figure out what I'm all about,
And the change is nice,
Even if it's challenging.

Sometimes I feel like I don't really know you,
Like there are parts of you I'm not aware of,
And some days
I feel like I know every inch of you,
Inside and out,
And that I always have,
And was always meant to.

Today I'm not sure,
Anxiety and intrusive thoughts are devouring me whole.

And my fears rip the flesh from my bones,
And maybe I'm just insecure,
Or scared, I'm a coward after all,
But I know you know
I'm not going anywhere.

And I hope you know
I hope you understand
When I say some things aren't options,
I mean it.

This is it, and I don't know
If you really thought it would be this final,
But I knew,
And while it scared me,
I was so very ready,
And I'm just afraid
You don't quite understand that.

Maybe you do,
How would I know?

I never claimed to be a mind reader.