Nov 2016
i'm in the shower. i have 2 rags and a loofa. i fold the rags. i make sure i consciously fold them now. i don't think it cures my depression but there are a hundred tiny things i force myself to do to try and keep myself out of funks. like if i just stop caring it's easy for me to fall back. sometimes i do though. and maybe it's some placebo thing, you know? maybe i don't know.
the point is i read an article and someone said they stopped taking their meds and went to the gym and their depression went away.
if your depression goes away, you don't have depression.
anyone reading this, there's 3 types of you:
1. someone who is depressed and hates people explaining depression.
2. someone who isn't depressed but thinks they are because life isn't always good.
3. someone who isn't really sure but is looking for solidarity somewhere online because they cannot get it in real life.
4. actually there's 4. someone hoping to learn something to help someone they love.
what do i know about depression? very, very little. i don't want to keep explaining how i think i feel when i can't even tell if that's what's really happening. And every single time i stop taking my medication it's that much harder to start again. i tell myself I SEE THE LIGHT, HOW I CAN BE AND SHOULD BE. I CAN DO THIS. but it's time to wake up and smell the car accident.
there is no light, just sounds and moments. i know who i can be but i can't be that person consistently. and no, i probably can't do this or i would've already.
i haven't been writing much lately. i've been working on my addictions and my love life, or lack thereof. my mood swings have been so out of control i think they're starting to become abusive, emotionally.
the tiny things i do. that's what i wanted to write about. i see stuff online like "hey having a bad mental health day. any tips?"
i have some tips. i can't promise they work. it's not about them working, it's about sharing a part of myself with you, and that's all it's ever wanted to do online.
i take my shoes off before i come inside. i didn't always. i didn't care. and one day after shampooing the rugs (during presumably a manic episode?) i was like ******* WHAT THE ****? IVE HAD *** ON THIS FLOOR AND ITS FILTHY. and i stuck with it. routines are so ******* important.
i have an extreme skin routine that i do ONCE a week, and basic face maintenance 6 days a week. i've learned doing one big huge wild night is actually sort of nice. it takes me like two hours to finish everything. i've been learning to really enjoy this, where i used to find it tedious and exhausting.
everything feels exhausting so it's good to find things that make you feel refreshed instead. but you just have to keep trying.
i make lime water with cucumber. it doesn't actually do anything probably but it makes me feel like i'm doing something good for myself.
plants are chill. but you'll probably **** a few and that's okay. something i wish someone told me before i started getting into plants was YOU'RE GONNA **** A FEW AND THAT'S OKAY. but now that i've accepted this, i've gotten better. plants aren't for everyone. like, my one friend is super depressed and there's garbage all over the house and the dogs **** and **** everywhere and it's hoarding grounds and gross and bad, and it doesn't bother her.
i gave her a plant. she doesn't give a ****.
plants aren't for everyone.
i wish often i knew how to help her. i cried the other day telling her that. "i wanna help you and i can't" it was hard to admit that to myself. i didn't mean to make her feel bad about it. i just feel super ****** seeing her live in filth and disease and she's just "who cares?" about it. i do. she's an entirely other story that i can't write about right now.
what else do i do?
i had been forcing myself to eat breakfast for awhile but i fell off that track.
i guess it doesn't really matter what i do. my point is it's not easy and you have to actually FORCE yourself to do things and try to not hurt anyone. and also, using people for ****** gratification to cope with your feelings is really ******.
stop doing that.
that's it. that's all i know.
the point is i read an article and someone said they stopped taking their meds and went to the gym and their depression went away.
if your depression goes away, you don't have depression.
anyone reading this, there's 3 types of you:
1. someone who is depressed and hates people explaining depression.
2. someone who isn't depressed but thinks they are because life isn't always good.
3. someone who isn't really sure but is looking for solidarity somewhere online because they cannot get it in real life.
4. actually there's 4. someone hoping to learn something to help someone they love.
what do i know about depression? very, very little. i don't want to keep explaining how i think i feel when i can't even tell if that's what's really happening. And every single time i stop taking my medication it's that much harder to start again. i tell myself I SEE THE LIGHT, HOW I CAN BE AND SHOULD BE. I CAN DO THIS. but it's time to wake up and smell the car accident.
there is no light, just sounds and moments. i know who i can be but i can't be that person consistently. and no, i probably can't do this or i would've already.
i haven't been writing much lately. i've been working on my addictions and my love life, or lack thereof. my mood swings have been so out of control i think they're starting to become abusive, emotionally.
the tiny things i do. that's what i wanted to write about. i see stuff online like "hey having a bad mental health day. any tips?"
i have some tips. i can't promise they work. it's not about them working, it's about sharing a part of myself with you, and that's all it's ever wanted to do online.
i take my shoes off before i come inside. i didn't always. i didn't care. and one day after shampooing the rugs (during presumably a manic episode?) i was like ******* WHAT THE ****? IVE HAD *** ON THIS FLOOR AND ITS FILTHY. and i stuck with it. routines are so ******* important.
i have an extreme skin routine that i do ONCE a week, and basic face maintenance 6 days a week. i've learned doing one big huge wild night is actually sort of nice. it takes me like two hours to finish everything. i've been learning to really enjoy this, where i used to find it tedious and exhausting.
everything feels exhausting so it's good to find things that make you feel refreshed instead. but you just have to keep trying.
i make lime water with cucumber. it doesn't actually do anything probably but it makes me feel like i'm doing something good for myself.
plants are chill. but you'll probably **** a few and that's okay. something i wish someone told me before i started getting into plants was YOU'RE GONNA **** A FEW AND THAT'S OKAY. but now that i've accepted this, i've gotten better. plants aren't for everyone. like, my one friend is super depressed and there's garbage all over the house and the dogs **** and **** everywhere and it's hoarding grounds and gross and bad, and it doesn't bother her.
i gave her a plant. she doesn't give a ****.
plants aren't for everyone.
i wish often i knew how to help her. i cried the other day telling her that. "i wanna help you and i can't" it was hard to admit that to myself. i didn't mean to make her feel bad about it. i just feel super ****** seeing her live in filth and disease and she's just "who cares?" about it. i do. she's an entirely other story that i can't write about right now.
what else do i do?
i had been forcing myself to eat breakfast for awhile but i fell off that track.
i guess it doesn't really matter what i do. my point is it's not easy and you have to actually FORCE yourself to do things and try to not hurt anyone. and also, using people for ****** gratification to cope with your feelings is really ******.
stop doing that.
that's it. that's all i know.
