I still remember that day
Visiting home after being away.

Rushing into the bathroom
Staring at the mirror
Not recognizing my appearance
Seeing a girl crippled with fear.

That horror.
I shall never forget
I cannot forget.
Then why do I still listen?

Today I stand in the mirror.
The thoughts circle in my head.
You're ugly, fat and stupid.
I don't think you deserve to be fed.

I wish I understood the neural circuitry
that initiated these thoughts
Wish I knew when my self esteem
Was clearly, fatally, shot

Or did it ever exist? Maybe not.
For as long as I can remember
Pretty?
I am not.

Avoiding mirrors
Holding back tears
Acceptance of the inevitable, ugly truth.

Other people are liked,
I'm a freak.
A geek
Not chic.

I wish I began working on this back then
To not have it stab me again and again

But the past is the past
I can only improve now
I want to rewire my brain,
But the question is how?