Sep 2016
Hi!
I miss you.
I miss the smiles that never wavered from our face unless we fell and scraped our knees in the playground.
I miss the love that radiated out from our heart to every single person that we met because we had no reason NOT to trust them.
I miss the nights when we'd wake up crying from a nightmare and mom and dad would comfort us.
I miss the family parties that we're actually enjoyable because there was still a kid table and we were still a kid.
I miss the laughter that escaped our lips and continued on until we were hunched over, grabbing our stomach, in tears.
Now... now we're just hunched over, grabbing our stomach, in tears because the darkness holds on and just won't let go no matter how many pills we take.
Now the family parties are us sitting at the end of the table, staring at our plate, hoping no one questions us, asking why we look so tired.
Now are the nights we stay up crying, hoping no one hears.
Now we're afraid to put our trust into someone because we know what it feels like to have our heart taken from us and smashed like a vase being dropped to the floor, knowing it can never be put back together again.
Now.. now we know what betrayal feels like, how the sharp stab of the knife feels upon our back, how not to share any thoughts because people would run away from how dark they are, how to curl up in a ball and tighten every muscle in our body to control our sobs during the anxiety attacks as if we're in the biggest competition of our life and the only way we win is if no one discovers us like this, how to force a smile onto our face like a clown has one painted upon theirs.
Now, now we're not a kid anymore and it feels like we've walked through hell and back but guess what we're still here ******.
We're still living, we're still breathing.
We've made it through the heartbreak, through the betrayal, through the mental illness and, hell, we've still got a long way to go, but we've made it this far and
we can
and
we will continue on.
I miss you.
I miss the smiles that never wavered from our face unless we fell and scraped our knees in the playground.
I miss the love that radiated out from our heart to every single person that we met because we had no reason NOT to trust them.
I miss the nights when we'd wake up crying from a nightmare and mom and dad would comfort us.
I miss the family parties that we're actually enjoyable because there was still a kid table and we were still a kid.
I miss the laughter that escaped our lips and continued on until we were hunched over, grabbing our stomach, in tears.
Now... now we're just hunched over, grabbing our stomach, in tears because the darkness holds on and just won't let go no matter how many pills we take.
Now the family parties are us sitting at the end of the table, staring at our plate, hoping no one questions us, asking why we look so tired.
Now are the nights we stay up crying, hoping no one hears.
Now we're afraid to put our trust into someone because we know what it feels like to have our heart taken from us and smashed like a vase being dropped to the floor, knowing it can never be put back together again.
Now.. now we know what betrayal feels like, how the sharp stab of the knife feels upon our back, how not to share any thoughts because people would run away from how dark they are, how to curl up in a ball and tighten every muscle in our body to control our sobs during the anxiety attacks as if we're in the biggest competition of our life and the only way we win is if no one discovers us like this, how to force a smile onto our face like a clown has one painted upon theirs.
Now, now we're not a kid anymore and it feels like we've walked through hell and back but guess what we're still here ******.
We're still living, we're still breathing.
We've made it through the heartbreak, through the betrayal, through the mental illness and, hell, we've still got a long way to go, but we've made it this far and
we can
and
we will continue on.
Something I wrote that felt good to get out.
