Jul 2016
What is the feeling I should feel right now?
I wish I had the answer but I don’t know how
What is it that would help me to look like am fine
What mask should I wear with friends when I dine.
Who am I talking to and what do I have that they need?
I’ll give it to them regardless, for me and my greed.
Can’t let them see the ugly that's below the calm surface
If they see It, they will, like others leave me hollow and worthless
I’m not sure it's in me to wake up and do this anymore
but if I stop being who they need, they'll run for the door
but, am I being who they need, or, who I need to be
to make them feel a need to really need me
I’m really not sure and am scared beyond belief
so tired, exhausted, beaten down and need relief
for 33 years I’ve not been seen for me, except this once, very recently
but before that I was hidden from friends, lovers and my family
I realize now, what a waste, that I’ve faked my whole life
I am in a constant state of pain and self-created, destructive strife
I cannot wake up a show the world my false glee
33 years have been enough to drain my battery
I’ve once shown a person the face under the veil
they tossed me aside like trash, sending me to my own hell
even given their atrocity committed so careless and freely
I was alive and seen for once as nothing more than me
so I feel as though I NEED them to be in this moment, right here
losing that connection hurts like hell and brings blinding, consuming fear
so, yes, I am tired and I feel that I can’t do it another day
I have to find something inside to hide me, some other way
I fear I will never be happy and my chances are gone now
I am to ******* old, ready to give up, throw in the towel
but tomorrow ill wake up and for some reason be calm
then realization, I have to fake it, ****, BOOM goes the bomb
hell I don’t want to do this
I don’t want to be so needy
I just want some peace in my mind
The capability to only need me
But when am alone I feel that others will abandon
I fear my life will disappear in a single moment
Nothing but loneliness left to stand in
At least my eyes are open and my visions kind of clear
At least I can admit that I’ve always be driven by my fear
Know why it hurts may be a good detection
Or, easily cause more fear, rejection and dejection
Shakily I’m trying to gain my balance in this world
Hopefully, its right, maybe my mind won’t come unfurled
If I can take a simple balance and then can learn to crawl
Then a walk isn’t impossible, if I can run I’ll have it all.
But I’m no fool to think the path ahead is easy
I will fight will all my might, nothing good is ever free
When the dust around me settles
We will see my true resolve
Either I’m broken worse than before
Or my problems broken, because they’re solved.
I wish I had the answer but I don’t know how
What is it that would help me to look like am fine
What mask should I wear with friends when I dine.
Who am I talking to and what do I have that they need?
I’ll give it to them regardless, for me and my greed.
Can’t let them see the ugly that's below the calm surface
If they see It, they will, like others leave me hollow and worthless
I’m not sure it's in me to wake up and do this anymore
but if I stop being who they need, they'll run for the door
but, am I being who they need, or, who I need to be
to make them feel a need to really need me
I’m really not sure and am scared beyond belief
so tired, exhausted, beaten down and need relief
for 33 years I’ve not been seen for me, except this once, very recently
but before that I was hidden from friends, lovers and my family
I realize now, what a waste, that I’ve faked my whole life
I am in a constant state of pain and self-created, destructive strife
I cannot wake up a show the world my false glee
33 years have been enough to drain my battery
I’ve once shown a person the face under the veil
they tossed me aside like trash, sending me to my own hell
even given their atrocity committed so careless and freely
I was alive and seen for once as nothing more than me
so I feel as though I NEED them to be in this moment, right here
losing that connection hurts like hell and brings blinding, consuming fear
so, yes, I am tired and I feel that I can’t do it another day
I have to find something inside to hide me, some other way
I fear I will never be happy and my chances are gone now
I am to ******* old, ready to give up, throw in the towel
but tomorrow ill wake up and for some reason be calm
then realization, I have to fake it, ****, BOOM goes the bomb
hell I don’t want to do this
I don’t want to be so needy
I just want some peace in my mind
The capability to only need me
But when am alone I feel that others will abandon
I fear my life will disappear in a single moment
Nothing but loneliness left to stand in
At least my eyes are open and my visions kind of clear
At least I can admit that I’ve always be driven by my fear
Know why it hurts may be a good detection
Or, easily cause more fear, rejection and dejection
Shakily I’m trying to gain my balance in this world
Hopefully, its right, maybe my mind won’t come unfurled
If I can take a simple balance and then can learn to crawl
Then a walk isn’t impossible, if I can run I’ll have it all.
But I’m no fool to think the path ahead is easy
I will fight will all my might, nothing good is ever free
When the dust around me settles
We will see my true resolve
Either I’m broken worse than before
Or my problems broken, because they’re solved.
