I am an addict. do I feel like an addict? no. do I think I'm an addict? not really. but by definition and doctors and meetings and romance, I am an addict.

I started using ****** when I was in high school. I didn't start shooting until I was 20. somehow this felt like an accomplishment to me. it felt like "oh! I made it so long without putting a gross needle in my arm!!!" when in reality I was just trying to make myself feel better about something I felt awful about.

I stopped being a daily user around 25. I went through withdrawal, I never learned how to function sober, I made a Twitter. I've battled drug binges for years convincing myself "I'm not addicted, I just need to relax."

I think that's maybe what makes me an addict. my immediate response to stress is to break sobriety.

for the last few weeks I've been snorting some ****** research chemical I've never heard of. my friend is into herbalism and also chemistry so I basically put any drug he gives me into my body and trust it won't **** me.

I am going through withdrawal. I'm going through a really rough withdrawal unlike the ones I experienced with ******.

I'm terrified every time I'm sober for an hour and recognize how awful I feel. I decided I needed to stop a few days ago. this is the longest binge I've been on in awhile. usually it's just a weekend or a week. it's been about a month now of non-stop highs from when I wake to when I sleep.

do I feel guilty about this? not at all. I should, though. I should feel disgusted with myself and admit this is more than a binge and it might be a real problem for me if I don't stop now.

I stopped for 12 hours... because I was sleeping. I woke up slow and I didn't wanna do anything. I just wanted to eat something and it hurt to eat and I puked anyway. I chain smoked three cigarettes.

I tried to not do it again.

I'm worried about my strength to stop. I'm worried about why it's been going on this long.

I see my doctor in a few weeks and if I'm not a week clean by then I'm just going to come right out and tell her I need help.

if I could just stay sober for a day I will be fine. I'll be totally okay. but I can't. it's so hard because it's so easy to be high.

I have not lost sense of myself. obviously. I'm very aware of what's going on and what I'm doing. and I know I need to stop. but I need to figure out what to do in order to process my stress otherwise.

am I an addict? yes. but only because life doesn't give me other options.