I'm sobering up now and it starts to hit me; one word screams in the back of my mind.
I finally arrive home and I feel physically sick. Not because of the alcohol, but from the events of the night
I walk into my bathroom and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I take off my make up, and erase any evidence of her lipstick on my cheeks.
I stand there staring at myself. My face is a wreck my hair is a mess and I smell like alcohol and cigarettes.
I change, wash my face, and climb into bed. The clock reads 4:27
That's when the tears begin to form.
This feeling isn't new I've experienced it before, many times before now
But this time it's different. This time I name it.
It's a funny thing. It's a strange kind of feeling
You first experience it as a child, taking that cookie from the cookie jar when no one was looking.
It feels great at first. adrenaline kicks in and you feel like you can do anything.
But you know deep inside you know you can't.
You will eventually be caught. Someone saw you take that cookie, steal that t-shirt, lie to that boy, kiss that girl
Someone saw you.
The truth will always come out.
When it sets in there's no turning back. No changing what you've done. And that feeling of knowing you ****** up and there's nothing you can do that feeling can tear you a part. that feeling can hurt you in ways you never thought you could be hurt.
Guilt. When it sets in you realize you've hurt not only the people around you but you've damaged something deep inside yourself that can never be repaired. A darkness penetrates your soul and settles in your heart A darkness that can never be removed.