Late at night,
when I can't fall asleep,
I see your eyes in the shadows
on the walls
I feel your touch on my skin
through the blankets
I hear your voice whispering
masked by the wind
I almost see you standing next to my bed
but I know you're not really there.
I think to myself "how many years has it been?"
When was the first time you were here?
Was it when I was eleven and my grandmother was ill
and I watched her die
for months?
Was it before that?
Was it when I realized my mother doesn't truly understand me, and perhaps that she doesn't want to?
Was it when my friends betrayed me the first time?
When I realized I can only count on myself?
Because it somehow feels like
you've always been there.
When I first came home from school in bruises and tears,
you greeted me in the confinement of my four walls
and my room was no longer my solace.
When my mother shamed me for not being the best,
even when I tried so hard,
your whispers in my head got louder.
When my grandfather got older and he seemed to have a hard time remembering exactly why this teenage girl lived in the same house as him,
you finally had enough strength
to grab my face when you thought I was asleep.
When my first love betrayed me,
you wrapped yourself around me and started standing on my shoulders.
I could feel you weighing me down with each passing day.
So now I ask you,
it's been so many years.
Please
get off my back
and leave my head.