Dec 2015
I tried so hard and for so long to fight fire with open arms and open shoulders, that I didn’t even realize the extent at which I’d be burned. Only to be further intensified by the bitter fog that was your slurring cries slipping through the gaps of your coffee stained teeth. I didn’t know how to tell you how much I didn’t care anymore. The only words I could ever manage to say were “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know…” Sometime biting my tongue came easy, and other days i’d have to fish in a pool of my own blood for the right words to say. Because when you spends years walking through eggshells, you learn to tread lightly to avoid creating friction that with fuel another fire. Even if it means hurting just a little while longer.
you never truly understand how broken you are until you realize the past is what is keeping you from moving forward. I was the mediator between my dad and my step mom. You learn to forget your own problems when there are bigger ones to be dealt with. Unfortunately, a lot of problems I have today branch off from being emotionally neglected as a kid. I cannot be alone with a guy who likes me without forgetting how to breath and shaking to my core, all because I fear this person may one day become my dad. I feel so much shame from liking someone or wanting affection. I struggle with severe trust issues and fear any form of intimacy. I wish I could tell people why I am the way I am, but that isn't something you bring up at parties.
