I have lived like this for a longtime now. Brewing tea at four am's, watching the duet of my heartbeat and the flickering blue flame in the darkness of my kitchen. So many nights that turned into mornings at the blink of my rose lit eyes. Sitting at the same spot on the couch, trying to look through the fishnet skies. From tea to coffee to cigarettes to joints to big sips of whiskey-cola. Running away from addictions, time to time. Running away from places and people before they could form a thought about me. I live in a prison that I create for myself. Cancelling plans, dodging phone calls and avoiding eye contact. Getting drunk and making love to strangers that, may or may not remember me. Worrying. Worrying about what the world has come to and what my country is doing wrong and about all the innocent people that suffer everyday. I am worried about my education and the future. Also, the life that I am creating for myself. Worried about the dishes that I still haven't done, the mess around me that is growing like wildfire or the whole minute that I haven't blinked. I have lived like this for a longtime. Paranoid. Looking through the crack in the curtains and at lit windows in far away buildings. At the dark patches in the sky where the stars aren't there. Scared that the man in the television has looked into my eyes for too long and that the song playing is too relatable. Too long have I been scared to now feel anything that is considered normal. I have lived in my world of anxiety, irrational fears and slow dancing curtains for too long to smile, laugh and love and not be it just half hearted. But there is still hope for me in, Quiet midnight's of making tea and The one who stares back at me, through the fishnet skies.