Another day on the funny farm you mutter with your lips pressed against the windowpane your eyes watching a tractor in the field beyond with seagulls flying behind searching for food and your mood slightly off kilter your eyes deep blue but angry looking and that **** voice was back at your ear whispering words Bet you wish your daddy was here the voice mutters the words chilling you and you replying No I **** well don't at all and your words echoing around the locked ward and the other farm animals the other loons stare your way or at least some do the others just stare into space like the dead kind of things they are Oh come on Fay be honest you know you'd like your daddy here you'd like him real close you put your hands over your ears and shake your head and move away from the window and move about the small space by your metal bedstead Don't want him an inch near me and you know that your voice bellows so that a nurse across the ward gazes at you her slits of eyes taking in whether to ring the bell for others to come and pin you down and give you time in the cool room but she looks away again thinking It's just Fay having one of her talks with herself but the voice returns Remember that time when he came creeping into your bedroom like some cartoon character on tiptoe like it was a big joke and you kind of laughed and he said to hush in case your mommy heard I didn't laugh at all it was him laughing with that big baritone bellow of a laugh you say turning around on the spot with your hands pressing tight against your ears making them almost red It was him that came creeping in like some big bear it was him that wanted those things him who wanted to do those things that would have so broken Mommy's heart and mind if she knew and even after that she never knew you shout loud now so that the funny farm nurse called Miss Bentshaw walks over toward you shaking her finger at you telling you calm it or she'll have you remove to the cooling room and you take your hands from your ears and nod and smile and put your hands behind your backside as you did as a child hoping your daddy wouldn't find a space to spank you but he always did Yes he always did didn't he Fay? Always found a way of getting his own way and you encouraged him I am sure it was in your very being to be obliging to him never denying him you bite your tongue so the nurse can't hear you talk again in reply to that inner ***** with the yakking voice and the nurse stands there studying you for a moment or so then shaking her head walks away back to the other side where she is dressing that Jessie woman the one with her face like a witch and you sit on your bed and stare at the floor and want the voice within to stop and go away but she's still there And remember that night when he came in to your bedroom all drunk and funny looking with that silly hat on and dressed only in his underpants and his ***** poking through like some **** lance Shut up you spit out in a low voice so old Bentshaw doesn't hear you Shut the **** up I don't want to remember nothing of that stuff I want to put it all behind me So did he Honey so did he and more and that silly hat still on his head and that kind of made it sort of jokey pokey didn't it? you jump from the bed and run along the aisle between the beds your voice muttering low so that Bentshaw doesn't go push the **** bell and get the rest of the nursing gang up there to manhandle you into the cool room and at the end of the ward you come to a stop at the window and gaze out at the orchard below where sometimes if you are good one of the nurses will allow you out with her and a few of the other fruits for a walk in the fresh air but the voice is still there no matter where you run You deserve to be here on this funny farm Sweetie because you encouraged that ******* and his bad ways you just lay there and let him do those things and not one word of discouragement did you utter not one word left your lips You squeeze your hands into fists and bang hard against the glass windowpane until your fists break through and blood seeps through your fingers and the nurse rings the bell and runs toward you her voice bellowing like some cow in labour for you to move away but you don't you want to smash the face of the ***** whose voice keeps echoing through your brain like some ****** drill time again and again and again.
A INSIGHT INTO A WOMAN'S MENTAL DISORDER. ( Written circa 2007)