Apr 2015
have you ever wanted something so bad you'd give up everything just to have it?
a few years back, all i wanted was to be so ******* happy. i would've given up everything and everyone for that state of everlasting euphoria. two years after, the world has knocked some sense into me, and i realised you can never really be that happy, at least not all the time. so instead of aiming to be unrealistically happy, i wanted to feel something, anything would do. you see, when all you feel is extreme sadness, all you'd want to feel is extreme happiness. but when all you feel is nothing. when you're hollow, when you're so empty you can't feel yourself exist, all you'd want is to feel. all you'd want is to exist. to know what complete feels like, to know what feelings feel like. at the age of thirteen, this is all i've really wanted, but i knew that just because you want something doesn't mean you'll get it. (life's no wish granting factory.) (there are no fairy god mothers, unfortunately.) (you've got no one but yourself, i think.) (now, here's where you come into the picture stutter portrait stutter masterpiece, stutter reality.) so far long, i haven't met anyone with the potential to be considered a real friend. i mean, for the most part of my existence, my friends were picked out for me. none of them knew how to stay, not with someone like me, and i didn't know how to stay either. you weren't like all those other friends, you weren't someone, someone else has picked out for me, i wanted you as bad as i wanted to feel something and i think you were the only person i couldn't imagine myself giving up to that. you were the only person that i felt like holding on to. felt..? with you, empty is a foreign word to me. you are fulfillment in it's only form. you are what makes me, and you're the only one i'd allow to break me. (although you never do.) you are the only one i feel like giving every part of myself to, take all of me. don't give any back. i don't need any back because i feel you existing within me -in my thoughts- the only place i spend so much time zoning off in because it's the only place i get to completely have you. there's a thin to thick line between love and need and it's deadly (when it's both at once) but i've only ever felt alive with you. and even god is a witness to all the love I have for you and my inability to let go is enough proof to how much i need you. i need you in many ways other than needing you to be mine, in fact i don't think you can ever be of anyone's possession. i don't think you can belong to anyone entirely, because you are the universe and you are what keeps everyone going even when you can't keep going yourself. please, always keep going or else everything will die away with you. you're not everything a person should be but you're all i ever wanted in a person and i know you're not perfect but your mistakes don't define you either. don't let anything define you, because you're much too much to fit under words. i love that you're guarded, and you don't let many people in, but baby, i swear you're loved x100. you are wanted. (i'll aways be the one to want you most though.) i love trying to understand you. i love you for everything you are and everything you could ever become and i'll love you for now and years to come. so for this year, all i really want is you. you to be okay. i guess i finally found my euphoria and maybe you do end up getting what you want.
a few years back, all i wanted was to be so ******* happy. i would've given up everything and everyone for that state of everlasting euphoria. two years after, the world has knocked some sense into me, and i realised you can never really be that happy, at least not all the time. so instead of aiming to be unrealistically happy, i wanted to feel something, anything would do. you see, when all you feel is extreme sadness, all you'd want to feel is extreme happiness. but when all you feel is nothing. when you're hollow, when you're so empty you can't feel yourself exist, all you'd want is to feel. all you'd want is to exist. to know what complete feels like, to know what feelings feel like. at the age of thirteen, this is all i've really wanted, but i knew that just because you want something doesn't mean you'll get it. (life's no wish granting factory.) (there are no fairy god mothers, unfortunately.) (you've got no one but yourself, i think.) (now, here's where you come into the picture stutter portrait stutter masterpiece, stutter reality.) so far long, i haven't met anyone with the potential to be considered a real friend. i mean, for the most part of my existence, my friends were picked out for me. none of them knew how to stay, not with someone like me, and i didn't know how to stay either. you weren't like all those other friends, you weren't someone, someone else has picked out for me, i wanted you as bad as i wanted to feel something and i think you were the only person i couldn't imagine myself giving up to that. you were the only person that i felt like holding on to. felt..? with you, empty is a foreign word to me. you are fulfillment in it's only form. you are what makes me, and you're the only one i'd allow to break me. (although you never do.) you are the only one i feel like giving every part of myself to, take all of me. don't give any back. i don't need any back because i feel you existing within me -in my thoughts- the only place i spend so much time zoning off in because it's the only place i get to completely have you. there's a thin to thick line between love and need and it's deadly (when it's both at once) but i've only ever felt alive with you. and even god is a witness to all the love I have for you and my inability to let go is enough proof to how much i need you. i need you in many ways other than needing you to be mine, in fact i don't think you can ever be of anyone's possession. i don't think you can belong to anyone entirely, because you are the universe and you are what keeps everyone going even when you can't keep going yourself. please, always keep going or else everything will die away with you. you're not everything a person should be but you're all i ever wanted in a person and i know you're not perfect but your mistakes don't define you either. don't let anything define you, because you're much too much to fit under words. i love that you're guarded, and you don't let many people in, but baby, i swear you're loved x100. you are wanted. (i'll aways be the one to want you most though.) i love trying to understand you. i love you for everything you are and everything you could ever become and i'll love you for now and years to come. so for this year, all i really want is you. you to be okay. i guess i finally found my euphoria and maybe you do end up getting what you want.
