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Feb 2015
The future, such a hard thing to grasp. The reality of it is we all grow up, now how we handle that well thats a completely different story. My life has consisted of pleasing others, hiding my emotions and putting on a fake smile. In the end what about my wants, needs and desires? This world is an overpopulated planet, people killing and hurting the ones they love. Now how we choose to let the past affect us is up to us, irrelevant you say? Lets take it into some perspective. A man was walking down the street all of the sudden people are shooting he gets shot, he’s dead! Now what? How would you handle it? Grief, drugs, ***, alcohol or addictions, in the end you land in one of these places. You have drugs so you can feel alive for a few quick minutes, the alcohol takes away the pain or *** to fill that empty place in your heart.  What about an addiction that can so fastly consume your life, forget about friends and family because wants you are hooked on that source of enjoyment and pleasure, the people that mean the most to you, you leave behind. It’s all just a matter of how you let it shape you. What does this have to do with the future you say? Everything, if you let your past define you, you wont have a future that you are in control of. Sometimes it’s a little more difficult to forget the past then you think, for me my past has been a traitorous obstacle course that I barely made it through abuse, family divorce, loss of loved ones as a child I had to adjust I didn't get a choice. I try to forget but its something that will have always happened, someone took pieces of me that I can’t get back, now move past that’s another story. The past drags me down Satan does everything in his power to make sure that right when I’m standing tall, proud and confident that it’s the perfect time to knock me down. Painful memories and the voices telling you as a child you deserved it, you're worthless, you're just a stupid kid and the worst one of all “your future is mine” the thought of it my future decaying right in front of my eyes. Trying to hold on and grasp what little hope I have left is unbearable, the yelling the memories, the flashbacks reminding me that the past is in control, not me. How you forget, simple you can't. The scars and tears you cried through all the pain, long nights and dark days. Feeling helpless, “its time to give up” you tell yourself. Your heart is breaking as all you feel is his cold breath on your neck. Alone and scared you try to be positive, all he does is remind you of what's happened, the unendurable pain. Beatings and ****** abuse aren't enough for him, he takes it one step farther and hurts the ones you love.  Then you remember the people who have held you up, gave you confidence don't forget the people have been there with you through it all. Looking death into the eyes you fight back and give all you have. Fighting back with every ounce of being left in your body, you pick yourself up with what's left your broken heart, pain, tears and scars and you stand tall. Brush off the pain wipe off the tears and show your scars proud, because you're stronger than you think. The people who have hurt me in the past are exactly what I said, the past.  Who are you, are you the scars and tears of before or are you the strong person you’ve become through it all. The future is a scary thing, teenagers trying so desperately to figure out who they are. Slowly you realize that even if you’ve been shot down and shattered you can still recover. I look at teens confused, stressed having mental breakdowns because all they're focused on is their future. My future is blurry I don't know what I want, this world has pulled me so many different ways. An unclear future scares me these past couple years have been difficult, transitioning into the real world. Its been emotionally, mentally and physically painful and exhausting trying to figure myself out through all the struggles. No more dolls and barbies, reality has slapped me in the face and practically knocked me down. All I ever hear is what do you wanna do when you grow up? Are you going to college? What are your plans? Fear stares me down, terrified and unsure of what my future holds.  There are so many things I have to do growing up I have to make my parents proud, be successful, work on recovering and be confident in who I am, and most of all be happy. Growing up lately has just put me in this funk, I try so hard to get out of it and something always pulls me in whether its my dad or distant memories and dont forget those people who are supposed to build you up yet all they can seem to do is tear you down. You experiment with *** and drugs just trying to find what you want, that’s not enough go all the way. The first injection, you're hooked over and over soon it becomes how you cope, *** rattles your brain, the enjoyment and pleasure covering up the scars and holding back your tears, knowing that this isn't what you want your future to become. As you get older you think maybe *** will be ok still recovering from the **** before, pulling away unsurely you hide in your emotions and stay quiet. Emotions run high as your falling in love, broken, hurting, stressed every possible emotion you could even think about is pouring into your hormonal body at once. Your hearts racing, unsure what to do next you panic, tears and crushed dreams. But don’t forget the future is up to you, no one else, if you chose to let your scars, tears and pain from the past define you your bound to have a miserable life. Let the future have control smile, love, care and live because this is your time to be free. Find love I know I have, and that’s where I found my hope. My inspiration is in the people around me, happiness in myself and confidence in myself. I dont know who I am yet, but I can tell you one thing for sure my past won't have a place in it!
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