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Mar 2011
Sometimes I hate being a girl
My emotions want to hate you
My mind wants to know you inside and out
My heart wants to love you, wants to be with you
It’s a battle of the being
Like conflicting souls, fighting in the highest courts, like lawyers they all know the truth but they don't agree

You say you can’t be emotionally supportive right now;
that you need to focus on your own life
Well my emotions don’t need your support they prefer to erase you from my life

So you can keep your separate life,
you can focus on it all you want...
My mind wants to understand your life  
My heart wants to be in your life

The worst part about all of this is that I am attracted to your body, mind, and soul
and when the soul gets involved it captures you and loses you – in emotions
And now, now that you want to “take things off the burner”,
now that you “don’t want to invest too many emotions before someone gets hurt”,
My emotions want to yell at you, they want to scream,
they wonder why you would ever want to destroy a connection so beautiful and pure
But my mind, my mind understands where you’re coming from,
that it’s simply the timing that was wrong for both of us, not the connection
And my heart, my heart wants the best for you

And just as I reach this realization: That while it hurts, it’s logical
My emotions begin to hate logic,
wish that we had more time to explore each other, to understand each other, to be with each other – that somehow, we could make it work and make it last
But my mind, my mind wants to face reality and to protect my heart
And my heart is fragile, always has been

Sometimes I hate being a girl
I hate how fast my emotions get involved, how fast my mind believes that I am with you and you are with me, and that is all there is and that’s all I need, and how fast my heart can be broken

But this time, I can put it back together
This time it’s just a scratch, not a tear or a shatter
This time, I don’t have to pick up the pieces slowly and find their place again
No I learned my lesson from that time, I protected my fragile heart this time - or so I thought

I used my mighty mind to close off my emotions,
to force them into a tiny hole so that you couldn’t see my whole self
Because if I opened up to you completely, I’d be vulnerable

Well, my emotions won that battle
They forced their way out of that hole slowly, like warm blood oozing from a puncture wound
My emotions took over my mind and all logic was lost
I was vulnerable without even realizing it
And even though our love affair - for lack of a better phrase - only lasted a few weeks,
My emotions were present, my mind was drowning, and my heart was fragile and now,

Now I’ll be alright
Because writing is God’s best medicine – it heals the emotions, mind, and heart
It consoles them so they’re all in balance
So that the emotions are healthy, the mind monitors and the heart stays full
But the battle continues and truly, truly they’re never in balance

So give me a bandage
Enough to cover up this scratch and let it heal, but leave a scar
Leave a scar so I will always remember this moment when you showed me that I’m still capable of loving
Leave a scar so that I will always remember that this transition is official,
That I’m done with the phase that existed before you:
Of physical exploits putting my emotions and my heart in danger,
Of craving attention for the sake of comfort and self gratification,
Of confusing hormones and desires to be loved with real, complete and healthy attraction

Leave a scar so that I will always remember that you are the latter, and that there are still guys like you out there
Written by
Kendra Lee Rowley
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