the tall blonde girl stands in front of the class room
her shoes pearly white with black leggings
her hair in a ponytail so she could whip her hair in your face as she passes by
she is the model and you are the before
you cried in the shower because you were never going to be that skinny
you would never be that tall
but now you are the model and someone else is the before

thats what i used to think
its just a word that people like to throw around and abuse
there is no definition of the word love so it can't be real
no one can tell me what love is for me

im not the girl with the pretty brown eyes
who dazes at night just wondering why
im not the girl who's golden curly hair bounces as she walks through the hall with an arm around her waist

and i know what its like to be used
and i dont know how to get to sleep
and i know how to shush my crying
and i dont know how to write a formal email
and i know how to be used
and i dont know how to act my own age
and i know what its like to be heartbroken
and i dont know how to feel
and i know what its like to cut  
and i dont know what a non-toxic relationship is
and i know what its like to not wanna be alive  
what do i learn when im 16?

i used to care about everything
how i looked; how i acted
school; tests; homework
positivity at 100%
now i can barely get outta bed
my eyes are not wet because I dont feel anymore
the tip of a dagger feels better than this
a heartbreak that doesnt phase me
just move on to another; until you cant because they make u feel like the dagger
they make it worth it

my chest is heavy
i watch it go in and out
my mind is frozen
yet racing at the same time
this is my normal

my scars should not be hidden
do not tell me they should be
i hid them for years under my hoodie and you never noticed
just like u never noticed my tears at night;
or how i fell silent every time you talked about dying
you dreamed about a future together
while I could barely dream about tomorrow
the moment those words left your mouth;
my scars reopened