Golden boy,
I wanted to tell you the truth

Something I should’ve said a long time ago
What my past self really wanted to say to you:

I like you too
I want to be with you too
you’re my best friend after all
I feel happy when I’m with you
I like feeling close to you
I want to feel that spark again,
but only with you.

Yes, me too.

To think you were actually looking for yourself
How stupid can I get?
I kept thinking we were the same
but we’re not
you are someone else
and I am glad I’m not you
you will always be a mystery
but I’m growing tired of trying to solve you
I’m no longer going to play with fire
I don’t want to get burned for you
I will make sure you won’t come my way anymore
You never did to begin with
I’m going to look for the person in the mirror
and make sure that she finds herself

I don’t even know where to begin
My body trembles as I write about it
I have given up on everything
I have ******* myself over
Everyone has moved away from me
All doors are no longer welcoming
I’ve locked mine up
I only see through my window
I wonder how life would’ve been
If I tried harder and took a risk
All I ever do is wonder and regret
It’s the same every morning
Same routine
Same thoughts.
I can’t do this anymore
I want a miracle
I want to try
I want to be happy
But
I’m stuck
I can’t get out
I just can’t
I love seeing those I care about be happy
I just wish they can see me be happy too
The year is almost over
The season has changed
I’m still the same
I’m overwhelmed, tired
and exhausted
of nothing
I don’t want to be here anymore
Sometimes I feel like leaving
Other days I hope to get past it
When will I get past it?
I don’t want to be lonely anymore
I’m tired of not loving myself
I don’t know how to fix it
I want to move forward
I don’t want to stay stuck in the past
But I’ve given up
I’m no longer trying
I’m no longer motivated
I have no goals
Should I just disappear?
I don’t think it will affect anyone
I’ll be out of the way
They will get over it
And I’m fine with that
I don’t consider myself a good person
It makes sense as to why I deserve this
So death,
will you accept me?
I feel like my life no longer has meaning
I want to go
Take my pain
Take me
I don’t care anymore.

You're obsessed with your surroundings
Upset because you're single
But you love to mingle.

Every girl that you see appears to be an angel to you
What I saw in you was a mysterious prince

I found you through your voice
You found me through my face

As the light shined on you like a halo
I stood out in the dark

Your light slowly faded
And in the dark is where you left me

And in the dark is where I'll stay


10.07.18

A guy I ignored
Looked at me the way I use to look at someone else
I wasn't sure whether this was real
No one has ever looked at me that way
And now you're gone
I wasn't able to express myself to you
There was no beginning nor an end
Now I just wonder about you
Who you are
And if you ever wonder about me
I somehow miss you
My mysterious prince


8.2.2018

A mixture of depression and anxiety don’t blend well together


How long





will it stop



I’m in a state of disaster

The ability to control my mind is out of my reach

The furniture starts to lose its shape

I can hear my heart pounding through my ears

Breathing now becomes difficult

I feel myself drowning in despair

I stand up, but cannot stand

I’m holding myself to control my balance

It hurts

Everything

Just thinking about it scares me

I throw myself to my bed as I scream and grasp for air

It’s no longer me controlling myself

It’s my anxiety

It took over me

I was a goner

And then my body responded

I rushed to the bathroom

And regained conscious

It was over

But my body kept trembling

I managed to pull myself together

I moved from my bedroom

To the living room

I sat there

And slowly fell asleep

I wonder

When will it happen again

What will I do

What can I do

I’m afraid and alone

I’m weak and fragile

I

only

have



myself


and my




anxiety

I can’t move
I can’t think
I only sleep
I don’t remember when was the last time
I saw the sunrise
I avoid everyone
I am stuck in my tower
I have the key to the door
But I’m too afraid to leave my nest
No prince charming exists for me
I don’t exist in this world
Everything that I was taught is kept hidden
I cannot grow
I am tied to my chains
I am the villain
I have no rescuer
I have no fairy tail
I have nothing
I am nothing