Hi, it's me again. I'm sorry for still bothering you after all this time, but I can't help myself from picking up my phone and text you, because that's what I used to do all the time whenever I wasn't occupied. When I don't think of anything, I think of you. No, scratch that. I don't think of you only when I'm alone at 3 AM, I do too when I'm busy and stressed out with my job during the day. Even until now. I don't know if you still think of me though, after all it seems like you're really in love with her. Please take care of her and treat her as good as how you used to treat me, and I hope she'd treat you much better than how I used to treat you back then. I still regret all the words left unspoken inside of my head the moment you said you couldn't do it anymore and decided to walk away. I was shocked and sad, yet I couldn't say anything because I know I've always been the selfish one. It was all my fault. I ruined this. In that moment, all I could think was to finally stop being selfish and let you pursuit your happiness without being held back by me. Once again, I'm sorry for bothering you like this. I wish you well, because you deserve all the happiness in the world. Please let me know if you need anything from me, I'll be glad to help. You know you can always reach me out in a phonecall away, right? Good night.
Read at 02:50 AM
Come and unplug the lamp;
Close your eyes and lie down,
Let's explore each other in the dark.
Come and unravel the walls I built around people;
Unbutton the secrets I kept for myself;
Unhook the happiness I failed to attach to anyone;
Unlock the doors I closed so that nobody could enter;
Uncover my mind and touch me softly there.
Come and watch me do it all;
As I'm opening up my soul to you,
Layer by layer.
all this time,
i could never imagine that
this day would eventually come.
the day when someone would actually make me a priority.
the day when someone would actually be willing to stay awake for me.
the day when someone would actually be willing to take risks for me.
the day when someone would actually look at me dead in the eye and tell me that i'm beautiful.
the day when i could actually feel that i'm being loved unconditionally.
the day when i could actually bare myself until the very last fragment; until the deepest, darkest piece of me.
all hell breaks loose when you and i found each other.
“Tak ada cinta yang muncul mendadak, karena dia anak kebudayaan, bukan batu dari langit.” (Bumi Manusia - Pramoedya Ananta Toer)
Cinta bukan melulu soal siapa yang lebih dulu. Yang telah lama singgah bisa jadi sama rapuhnya dengan yang sekedar lalu-lalang.
Cinta bukan melulu soal detak jantung yang berdegup kencang, bukan melulu soal pupil yang melebar. Yang telah kehilangan nafasnya bisa jadi yang semenjak dahulu telah menyimpan asa.
Cinta bukan melulu soal hukum tawar-menawar. Saat sudah kehabisan apa yang ditawarkan, terkadang cinta dengan naifnya tetap menyambut dengan tangan terbuka. Persetan dengan hukum ekonomi, yang memberi kurang bisa jadi telah memberi seluruh yang mereka miliki.
Cinta bukan melulu soal mengabaikan ketidaksempurnaan. Justru cinta menerima seutuhnya, segala kesempurnaan maupun ketidaksempurnaan. Setiap gores dan luka, bukalah mata dan terimalah mereka dengan utuh. Yang terlihat baik bisa jadi membuatmu menutup mata atas keburukan mereka.
CINTA BUKAN MELULU SOAL APA YANG TERLIHAT, KARENA BISA JADI INDERA KITA DIBUATNYA LULUH LANTAK DI HADAPANNYA.
Looking at the picture of your house made me daydream about the day when I finally stood in front of your door and you waited for me to knock. My hands hovered with hesitation, trembled in vain, held by the bind of doubts and what ifs. I did not knock yet you knew that I was there, just like that you felt my presence; I could barely remember when did you start became so intuitive. Door slammed open, two pairs of eyes met for a fleet second and hands intertwined that instant. Our souls entangled and we swore in that moment we were infinite. Your very self broke down and I myself ruptured when we decided to lock the door and got ourselves enraptured by the feelings of regret, with cheeks wet and hairs messed. We caught each other’s clothing damp with god knows how much tears, yet we did not seem thirsty. I would not dare to say that we were sober, as we perpetually drank shots of our life essence—shaken, not stirred—and got a little intoxicated. I could taste our consciousness altered, surging like a mind-numbing deluge within our insides; I was afraid that we might get hangovers by the time the sun rose. Your fingers traced down my veins, yearned for unceasing strong pulses and tried to elucidate that it was not a dream, that it was not a pure delusional fantasy resonated by a mere cerebral cortex. Hearts beaten by the way we caress every single affliction that bonded the two of us, broke free from the misery we deliberately lived. Pieces by pieces you filled the cavity that used to draw close my heart and it was long gone after you. Now that we literally got each other’s back in our grasp, I could imagine how fragile yet how sturdy these very chassis that held two living beings could get. The boundaries fell into oblivion as we slowly melt ourselves together; like ice cream in the sun, like iron in the welding pit, like wolves beneath the moon, like thunder on the shore shut silent by thick clouds of entity. Fingers crossed that there would be no more 3.444 miles and two vexing timezones away between us. Like tempered glass on a car crash, I crumbled and I gave myself to you as whole. Our breath so fervent, fire could not seem to burn us. Knees weaken thus bodies slid down the wall, creaked the wooden floor and just like that shoes scattered and so did our heads, thoughts messed just the way we liked it. One year, two years, five years, ten years, one divine eternity and I still would not let this moment lapse.
she's a mess.
a repugnant creature who doesn't know how to live a life, merely surviving. nods to everything she's told to do, a wretched sheep following herds of lost souls. how does one never thinks for herself?
he's a mess.
a human with no humanity, lost his every sense to feel. delusional wight blinded by power and wealth, his money-driven grandiose reveries full of portentous capitalism. big-mouthed, greedy mortal who lech after status quo, speaks in vanity but no truth ever comes out.
Some say she’s a maverick. She refuses to play by the rule, she’d rather create her own rule. Not that much of a rebel, just a bit free-spirited by heart.
Some say she’s a square peg in a round hole. A black dress amidst a wedding party. Ripped jeans among trousers. A pair of sneakers among pairs of high heels. A cup of tequila between white wines. But really, she’s only a misfit. She has always been one. An unorthodox individual living in a world where people must be the same in order to be freed of scrutiny. She isn’t afraid to cross the line of conformity. Even ever since she was little, she has always frowned upon the game of pretentious act that people around her have been playing. She often finds herself in question, for she is non-adhering to the idea of being a sheep flocking to the herd.
Some say she’s the epitome of late night shots taken by the distressed. Not as the last, desperate resort, but as the first aid.
Some say she’s the embodiment of the bitter aftertaste when you sip a cup of coffee that you got from a store stood on the roadside during your impromptu midnight road trip. She shows up by chance, looking plain as ever. But really, she’s a mild surprise once she gets her way into you. One that you might not expect.
Some say she’s a thorn wire disguised in vineyard. It isn’t quite easy to strip away of her self-defense. But once she’s provoked, she’s provoked.
Some say she’s a train wreck. And boy, weren’t they right. Her life might be a mess, but it is one hell of a beautiful mess she’s proudly living. If anything, she has mastered the art of living in perpetual, concomitant tragedies.
Some say she’s more of a goodbye than a hello. A bittersweet memory than a sugarcoated present. She’s never one of a dreamer, but she puts her hopes in the beauty of imperfections – of the feeling of loss. Experience has taught her not to make people her happiness, for they are but a fleeting moment of enchantment.
raindrops crashes into the soil, succumbs to the force of gravity. mother of earth seemingly wants to share its sadness, but doesn't know who to vent to.
gloomy sky never fails to stir the emotion of humans beneath it. for some, rain makes them feel calm and relaxed; some also might be reminded of their unrequited love, reminded of someone, somewhere.
meanwhile, i keep imagining how it's like to kiss your cheek only for a fleet second, how it's like to hold your hands amidst pervading petrichor.
but you're out there, holding your hands
Hereby I solemnly pour down all my feelings for you in the form of a writing; waiting for you to read it.
Tired, sad, and mad.
Anger, emotions, and fatigue.
We've been through many things together, yet we haven't been through everything. All that we are is just an insignificant speck of dust around gigantic stars with planets worshipping them relentlessly; but I'm sure there's nothing and no one in the world who could worship each other more than us.
Despite everything, despite the madness,
despite the distresses — thank you for staying.
"i wasn't your first,
you left a trail of kisses
on other girls."
"they all taste the same,
but there's something different
about your mouth."
"since you're my first,
i have yet to have a taste of the others'.
yet the moment our lips met,
i was convinced that
i don't ever wanna taste any other mouth
Jealousy changes you—it completely shifts your mind and paradigm and way of thinking and way of seeing things.
Jealousy makes your brain cloudy with anger, unable to think clear.
Jealousy makes you succumb to the gruesome power of fear.
Jealousy raises up your ego in a heartbeat, making you defending yours like your whole life clings to it.
Jealousy takes your will to love—if it's still there at all. Because who knows loving someone could be this exhausting?
Jealousy makes you a repugnant, revolting human being.
...and jealousy has successfully done every single thing above, to me.
and you left me so hollow,
like a mere slate of metal;
so much space
like it’s nearly a thousand light year,
the distance between
the way you softly rupture the very existence
of my eventual broken bones,
like a block of iron during the storm
left to corrode.
Your breath reeked of coffee and cigarettes
I could sense them beneath every single word you said.
A scent so pungent
yet it never failed to make me feel
like I was home.
I’d never been fond of smokers,
but I liked this melancholy vibe you emitted
every time you inhale your cigarette
or take a sip of your coffee.
I liked you the best when you looked so vulnerable
with your hand holding a cigarette,
and mind stressed.
I once caught a sight of it and got my eyes fixated on you.
Maybe you were clueless
just how you could left me
I was wondering if it was your smokes all along.
And before you knew it
I felt like I wouldn't mind ditching oxygen
just to be able to breathe nicotine
Some people said that
falling in love with a smoker was like
writing my own suicide letter.
If that was true
I would let your habit consumed me
I would still give myself to die slowly with you
Until we both cough blood
from perpetual toxic we inhaled
Until our sleep-deprived selves weep for caffeine
you've always longed for the longest time.
i've always been mesmerized by the concept that sometimes a home isn't always in the form of closed doors and four sides of walls.
sometimes a home isn't always in the form of empty rooms and echoing goodbyes.
sometimes a home is a person.
and for me, that person is you.
there's no place like home,
there's no place like you.
Would you gently caress the tiniest dent?
Would you carefully examine even the most invisible scar?
Would you tell the demons inside of my head to stop being so loud?
Would you make the voices disappear?
Would you hold my hands to stop me from pulling my hair so hard?
Would you then pick up the strands of hair that fell apart?
Would you break through the noise of my cries?
Would you still whisper to my ears softly in spite of my screams?
Would you help me to breathe?
Would you then help me to live?
you leave yourself on my lips like gentle rain waters the earth, like the soft sighs of the calm, longing sea. be fierce and love me with all the insanity in you.
even though i am fragile,
i will not break in your madness.
i promise you.
a bed so big
a room so empty
a void that you left
is slowly killing of me
hugging a pillow during my sleep pretending it was you, was the loneliest thing that i’ve ever done; constantly wishing how nice it is if it were your hands that i was holding
my fist clenched the bedsheets in the most distressing way possible; to think that i got used to waking up facing the cold wall pretending it was you made me contemplate nonstop:
what if someday i got accustomed to the coldness and the silence so well, that i couldn’t take the heat and the hitch between each of your breath?
fear is such an ugly thing;
it gives you a sense of insecurity,
knowing just how many things that can go wrong.
it gives you a sense of uncertainty,
unknowing just what are the odd
of the things that can go wrong—
or would they ever happen at all.
it numbs you,
making you lose the ability to feel.
because why would you even choose
to feel only to get hurt,
if you could shut yourself down
from the whole world
before you got hurt?
it alters your mind,
turning you from a logical human being
to a big incoherent, irrational pile of mess.
and the most frightening thing of all,
is that fear scares you so much
that you can't do anything
but giving in to it.
you and i, you and i
dreamcatchers blown by the wind
world maps crumpled full of
what it seems to be a trace of late-night roadtrips
laidbacks in sneakers and flannels nonchalantly strolled the road
you and i, you and i
never got tired of prose, whispering a life to handwritten mess
on our backs we feel heaved carrying dreams that seemed like forever
what a wanderlust soul that we both have
show me the limit of the sky
tell me about the universe inside us, and all the stars, and broken dreams
sing me a goodbye lullaby
run me a thousand miles to the top of the world
and we will scream our lungs out
this night is ours
life seems like at its fullest whenever we are together
writhed, we refused to fall back into
heartbroken poems we wrote on our once scarred wrists
small talks, bitching about our enemies, about light colored eyed boys
there's no mistake amidst
seven billion people on earth, seems like we got lucky with our fate
black is achromatic, neutral, having no hue.
black is the color of void, the very epitome of nothingness - the absence of entity.
black is the symbol of uncleanness and impurities.
it is non-deity.
it is the only color that could perfectly capture our existence, for we are the mortals, we are the sinners.
without lights, darkness would still remain.
but without darkness, lights' significance would cease to exist.
i used to be your damon,
you used to be my pythias;
but now we barely talk,
i endlessly wondered why.
not too long after,
i finally found out why.
turned out you find your new damon,
just like that i lost my phytias.
she got everything i'd never have,
and i got nothing to keep you close by.
photos of us remain in each of our instagram account,
only to be buried with your new friendship.
scary thoughts went through my head,
sleepless nights kept me awake for weeks.
am i that easily replaceable?
i said over and over again.
it's too abrupt,
the departure of yours from my life.
i couldn't cope,
losing you hurts more than a million heartbreaks.
i miss you,
but you're long gone.
the old you is no longer,
and i'm only left with a speck of memories.
I never knew it was possible for blood to rush to my head rapidly until I got to hold your hands. The moment your skin touched mine, I was burning on the inside. You left a trail of fire with the movement of your fingers, slowly grazing me. I felt like I was in a state of trance when I was with you. At first I thought I was deprived of oxygen, but as I breathed deeply I knew I wasn't, because I still felt lightheaded.
It was you.
It must've been you.
your very existence is like the oxygen;
you make my insides burn,
yet i just can't seem to have enough of you.
one minute without you
and i'm already suffocating;
turning blue and purple,
i've always been wondering why did i attract the most broken people
but it wasn't until i met you
you were never the prince on a white horse
but as the time goes on, every imperfection of yours becomes a clarity for me
and i cling to your beautiful mess of a flaw like my life depends on it
i want to mend the crippled parts within you
but you're the one who fixed me instead
i want to save you from the surging sadness
but you're the one who saved me instead
we're the broken pieces in the land of misfit toys
the misfits among the misfits
but we fit each other perfectly, pieces by pieces
In a world amongst the untrue, the wrongful, the two-faced; pseudo reality is taunting at humankind insolently.
To have faith, to be hopeful, to believe; only for them to trash and scatter what you've been believing in.
The betrayed, the deceived, the deceitful; carelessly and mercilessly succumbed upon their sins. Arrogantly looming upon all, unknowing and forgetful of those who sang prayers at dawn for them.
The smiles, the tears, the two-faced; o' the mighty entities everyone praised, not even Judas would have the nerve. It's a shame humankind is a fool; easily played and toyed with.
The denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression, the acceptance; five stages of grief that I learned, only to know that I could never master.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. The body is hollow, for the soul is in sorrow.
Missed I wasn't,
teardrops on my tombstone no longer;
Only a bunch of dandelions,
caressing the cold parchment
when nobody was around;
Blown by the wind,
left alone though it hasn't sinned;
Slowly withering to die,
consumed by cruel, cruel world
the same way as
"don't you worry," he said calmly,
"i'll be alright."
she stared at him in silence while tugging at the blue blazer he was wearing, still looking quite uneasy.
"but people can't seem help but set their gaze on a masterpiece when they see one," she half-whispered, her eyes looking down on the ground—an even more prominent sign of uneasiness.
he smiled, hands touching her face softly,
"do you trust me?"
he said as their eyes and foreheads met.
"i always do.
it might be hard for us to be separated for four full weeks, but i can't possibly stop trusting you.
i never could,
i never would."
he only hummed, then proceeded to plant a speck of his love
on her cheek,
on her forehead,
on her lips,
on her soul.
You thought I wouldn't remember the way your shoulder brushed hers in front of my very eyes?
You thought I wouldn't remember the way she'd call you "By" when I was supposed to be the only one who could call you "Baby"?
You thought I wouldn't remember the way you got upset due to losing photos of her and you both together when you were supposed to only ogle photos of me and us both together?
You thought I wouldn't remember the way you said that you missed her too when you were supposed to keep in mind that you were dating me and not say things like that to just anyone?
You thought I wouldn't remember the way you gave her high hopes by saying that you were silently looking for her at campus when I was supposed to be the only one you'd look forward meeting with?
You thought I wouldn't remember the way you defended her over me and blamed me instead for being jealous when you were supposed to tell her straight away to stop doing the things she was doing?
You thought I would forget all those things so easily and act as if nothing has ever happened at all?
I'd love to,
But my mind wouldn't let me.
How do you take the heartache away?
How do you cease its existence?
Let me tell you how I do it;
I inflict pain,
A scarring one, that is;
All in hopes that
the pain would take
the heartache away;
But only for me to find out
that the deepest scars
doesn't always cause
the deepest pain;
And that the deepest pain
doesn't always leave scars.
So tell me, how do you do it?
How do you take the heartache away?
How do you cease its existence?
"You've come again." I said, indifferent, unbothered, unwavering.
"Yes." his voice cold, merciless, blunt, unforgiving.
"Are you here to finally accept me?" I asked him, a hint of hopefulness in my voice betrayed me.
"No, I just wanna see you." he answered coldly still.
"Isn't that a bit cruel?" I kept my response as calm as I could.
He'd do that all the time. He would mock me by coming to see me, by keeping his distance, by making sure he's just barely in my sight, by making sure I can feel his presence, by making sure that I know he won't approach me, by teasing me to come to him first.
We stayed like that for quite a moment, keeping our thoughts to ourselves, not looking at each other, keeping the suspense hanging in the air.
"I can't always hold back, you know?" I finally spoke, breaking the silence
"Then don't," his voice was even colder than before, "embrace me."
"You really are cruel." I hesitated.
I wanted to tell him, I wanted to feel him, I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want to admit it.
There's another long stretch of painful silence. He was calm though I could feel his air of anticipation. I could feel his slight impatience. I could see through the uncaring front he was putting on. He wanted the same thing as I did, yet the two of us were stubborn to let on.
I thought about how foolish this is. We both wanted to feel the touch of the other. We knew that this wouldn't happen all the time, and we knew that the next time I see him could probably be the best time to see each other or it could be too late. I knew I had to make up my mind.
After a while I could hear the sound of his cloak slowly dragging on the floor. This was it. It was then or never and so I found the courage to speak.
"Stop," I said, sounding weaker and more vulnerable than I intended, "please, stop."
He said nothing, instead he waited for me to continue. Even so, I knew his heart was racing as hard as mine.
I turned around to face the back of his head. The light from outside the door illuminated him ever so beautifully, yet the shadow it casted was eerie, unsettling even, but I braced myself.
"Take me with you," this time I sounded certain, and I was glad of it, "I don't want to do this anymore. Please, take me with you."
He turned around and looked at me straight in the eyes. It was an intense, piercing look going through my soul and for the first time since ever, he smiled. He reached out his hands and immediately I took them. They were cold, yet comforting. He pulled me closer and held me in his arms.
"Let's go." he said softly to my ears.
And so, I went with death to the other side, and it was the relief that I've always been looking for.